What if My Friend is Abused? — Roseanne Bauman — Ep. 181

When we know or suspect that someone is experiencing sexual abuse, we feel obligated to respond, but we often feel unsure about how to do that.

This episode will focus on practical considerations surrounding sexual abuse. Roseanne Baumann has joined us. So, to begin, Roseanne, can you introduce yourself to us? Hi, Jaren, and audience. I've agreed to do this interview because I'm passionate about preventing sexual abuse and about helping survivors live joyful lives free of guilt and shame.

I am a survivor. I've been through the disclosure process with family and church. I've also been through a criminal investigation. I've fought a long, hard battle with the effects of abuse. And I'm here today to testify that God can redeem very difficult situations. So the first question for this interview is, when we learn from a friend or family member or somebody else in our church or community that they have experienced or are experiencing abuse, whether it be sexual or otherwise, how would you encourage us to respond? I think the first thing that comes to mind for me is recognizing that for anyone to disclose that they're being abused is an act of immense courage.

Usually, abuse involves demands not to tell anyone, threats of what'll happen if a victim does talk. And even just victims by themselves, their sense of shame and guilt makes them not want to tell anyone. And then, of course, there's the fear of what will happen if they tell someone and are believed, or if they tell someone and they're not believed. There's this quote from a social worker who has a long history of working with victims of abuse.

She says, "Studies show that abuse is traumatic, but disclosing abuse can be more traumatic when the victim isn't believed or is blamed by those trusted to help." So first thing, recognize the courage.

Second thing that comes to mind is you might feel shock or disbelief at the story being told. You probably need to put your own feelings aside for the moment. Try to stay calm. Try to keep your voice quiet and low. Affirm the courage of the person disclosing abuse. Just say to them, "That took a lot of courage. Thank you."

If you can, express your sorrow that they've experienced this. I'm really sorry that this happened to you. Tell them they did the right thing because they're struggling so hard with even disclosing it. It's the right thing to bring darkness into light.

There are many scripture verses that tell us we're to bear one another's burdens, especially when someone is facing evil or oppression of any sort. We're called to be compassionate, gentle, patient.

Probably one of the most useful pieces of advice I've read recently, if someone's disclosing to you that they've been abused, is listen well and talk little. Help the person disclosing to you find a good counselor who can help them process the abuse, their feelings and reactions, a plan for next steps, and so on.

There's one other thing that really sort of comes to the top of my mind right away when you say, "How would you encourage us to respond?" The recognition that for anyone disclosing abuse, there is a concern for their safety.

That's especially true if the victim is a child. But even for adults, abusers tend to retaliate if they find out that their victim spoke to someone. This is an introduction to the topic of abuse. It's not a training session. So let me just say, if you're not experienced, talk to someone who is. Ask for advice from someone who is.

There's a website I've been working through recently that I find really useful. It's called churchcares.com. Some good basic training for pastors and others who are helping the abused. Another website I've used in the past is Grace, all capital letters, G-R-A-C-E. It stands for Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment. We'll probably link these to the episode so that you can access them. A third one I'd like to mention, but I have to be honest, I have not reviewed it myself. It's anabaptistawareness.org.

Yes. Thank you for recommending those resources. And like Roseanne said, we'll link those in the show notes. But thank you for those tips for how to respond. But I imagine responding could be done badly. So what common impulses or temptations should we look out for and avoid? You're right.

It is possible to respond not intentionally badly, but in ways that can make things difficult. Probably this happens most if someone is reporting abuse by a person you know or work with. Your instant response may be a denial or a defense of the accused person. You might feel anxious about the impact of these allegations to the reputation of the abuser, the family, the church. You might feel like, "Surely the abused person misunderstood something," or, "They're exaggerating things," or, "They even made them up." The thing about initially telling a story of abuse is that it's often very fragmented and disordered, and you feel like you need to ask for clarification or to assess the truthfulness of what you're hearing.

I would recommend that a first disclosure is not the time to ask for details or investigate the truthfulness of the story. Statistically, false accusations are much rarer than truth-telling.

Nor is this the time to try to help a victim reframe their experience and find God in it. So the first thing you say is, "Oh, God has a plan in all these things," or, "I hope you're able to forgive him." This is not the time for those sorts of things.

Show compassion. Listen to what they're wanting to tell you, and help them find support people to walk with them.

One of the things that is known about abusers is that they are often charming and likable people. They may seem easier to love than the victims who can be socially withdrawn or too bold or just not connecting with people well. It can also be tempting to focus on what that victim is doing that seems sinful to you, such as they're wearing immodest attire or lack of respect for authority, or they have a hard and unforgiving heart. Those are all things to address at a later time, and they truly do not excuse abuse.

Sometimes people ask a victim questions that they don't mean to be blaming them, but unintentionally these questions can be heard as laying responsibility at the feet of the victim. So, for example, if someone's talking about abuse in a marriage and you ask the victim, "What are you doing that makes your spouse so mad at you?" it can easily sound like an accusation.

Or a victim discloses ongoing sexual abuse, and you say, "Why didn't you tell anyone?" Victims already feel overwhelming guilt and self-doubt and probably have been blamed by their abusers. So if you can avoid revictimizing by suggesting responsibility, that's really helpful.

So I guess we're back to listen a lot, talk a little. Yes, that is wise advice.

But what is the place or what are the clear indicators that we need to notify the governmental authorities? This is an interesting question. All forms of abuse are immoral and sinful. Not all forms of abuse are illegal. When I say that some forms of abuse are not illegal, that is not to minimize how wrong they are. It's just an indication of who has jurisdiction over the consequences for these actions. The civil authorities have jurisdiction over matters that are illegal, the church for matters that are immoral.

So in Canada and the US, abuse of a child is illegal. And some form of child protective services agency has the jurisdiction to investigate all cases of reasonable suspicion that a child is at risk. You don't need proof, just reasonable suspicion for a report to be made.

In my province, in Ontario, everyone is legally required to report any type of child abuse. As a registered nurse, that responsibility overrides professional patient confidentiality for me. Now, I can't speak to every province and every state. You can check your government websites for reporting guidelines for child abuse and also the legal age for when a child becomes an adult. In terms of reporting abuse to the Child Protective Services Agency, the age of adulthood may differ from that for drinking or driving or making medical decisions.

Now, in the case of an adult disclosing abuse, there's very little in the way of mandatory reporting. If police officers are called during an altercation, they might make an arrest or charge someone. Victims can choose to approach the police and ask for a restraining order or to press charges.

But very often, taking legal action makes an experience public and requires a victim to go through the whole court process of innocent until proven guilty. They have to testify. They have to go through cross-examination. And that's a pretty harrowing experience.

So remember that part of victimization by definition is having no voice and no choice. When it comes to adults, it's probably best not to decide for them, but to discuss with them what their legal options are. If you don't know, get in touch with someone in your area who does know.

I don't know if that answers your question, but basically, reporting is mandatory with children, not with adults. Yes, I think that does answer the question. And I appreciate that your answer. When talking about abuse, forgiveness often comes up. But sometimes when we talk about forgiveness, it seems that we can end up failing to name the sin, the crime, or the offense for what it is.

However, Jesus makes it plain that forgiveness is essential. So I'm curious if you could talk about the tension that anabaptists or anybody else might feel here in needing to name the sin, protect the victims, and forgive too. That's a great question. It's a little complex to answer fully in a short episode.

So let me just make a couple of comments here. You used the word tension. And yes, the idea of identifying evil and holding perpetrators accountable for their actions in order to protect victims and prevent future offenses can feel in opposition to Jesus' command to forgive.

I think this tension is much greater with an offense like abuse with a family member, a friend, or a church member than it would be if the offender was a stranger being prosecuted through legal channels, someone that you wouldn't see in your daily interactions.

When I think of this tension, I think of sort of the two opposite ends of the spectrum, perhaps.

Based on your personality, your life experiences, your understanding of scripture, your acquaintance with the abuser and/or the victim, you likely find one or the other side easier to relate to. For some of you, Matthew 18:6, "But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and he were drowned in the depth of the sea," gives voice to your position on abuse.

You know abusers are master manipulators. They're consummate liars. They're plotters and planners who can express great sorrow when they're confronted about abuse and then shortly offend again. You might doubt an abuser when they repent and ask for forgiveness. You may want to ask for proof of a changed life before you grant forgiveness.

You may feel that a person who has once abused should be barred forever from jobs or positions where they could offend again.

On the other hand, for some of you, Matthew 6:14 and 15 resonates more strongly. "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

And you feel that if a person has confessed sin, repented, and requested forgiveness, that there's really no choice but obedience to the command to forgive. You may understand forgiveness to be wiping the slate clean and not imposing any restrictions on the forgiven sinner.

After all, that's how God forgives us. Where would we be if he didn't?

So forgiveness is this huge topic. We have varying ideas about what it actually means and how it interacts with consequences and reconciliation.

I'll raise a few more questions in connection to this in a future episode.

But for now, let me just say that in an ideal world, an ideal situation, which rarely happens, a repentant sinner will confess the specific wrong they've done, repent of it, accept consequences, and welcome boundaries to prevent reoffending.

In that type of a situation, forgiveness might seem logical, might seem easier. However, it is a difficult process for victims, and it's best not put on a timeline. Usually, they have a history with this person of pretending and course of behavior which feels similar to this particular repentance.

When the ideal situation doesn't occur, which unfortunately is more often than we'd like to believe, we're kind of left trying to navigate this minefield of protecting the victims, as you said, supporting them in the devastating effects of abuse, rehabilitating the abuser, and forgiving.

It feels messy. It is messy. That's what sin does in our lives.

I would suggest that there is no one policy or plan that can be applied in all situations. Again, I'd encourage reaching out to people who specialize in assisting with these things. Those are wise words, I believe. Thank you for responding to that.

Are there any closing comments you would like to make before we end this episode? You know, whenever I bring this topic to mind and I talk about it, very often I remember a judge, the judge in the criminal court case in my family. He made a comment I've never forgotten.

He said, "There is a judge who is greater than I in a court where there is no appeal. Abuse is serious. It has eternal consequences, and we can't escape that truth." So that's one thing that comes to mind for me. And maybe just in closing, on a very personal note, to anyone who is or has been abused, to anyone who has abused others, and to all churches dealing with abuse, the good news of the gospel is for you.

Jesus died to save us from our own sins and to heal us from sin done to us by others. Well, thank you so much for speaking with us, Roseanne. This topic is hugely significant and affects many people in very personal and often painful ways. So we value your work to help us think and to respond well. This is the first of two episodes about sexual abuse that Roseanne has joined us for. So make sure to watch for the second part of this conversation that we will release in the near future.

Also, look at the show notes. Roseanne has recommended resources that we will link there. Thank you for joining us for this episode. We invite you to join our monthly partner program. Monthly partners are key to the financial sustainability of Anabaptist Perspectives. Partners also gain access to bonus content, including our exclusive podcast where we respond to audience questions and comments. Sign up at anabaptistperspectives.org.