The Significance of Adoption — Valerie Miller — Ep. 050

Well, hello everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Anabaptist Perspectives. We're here again with Valerie Miller from Mississippi, and she's going to share with us some today about adoption and maybe if you're considering adoption and just, yeah, different elements of that. So Valerie, as someone who has experienced adoption, how was your perspective different? There's nothing like having experienced something to really understand it, and I think that's a general principle of life. Whenever there's an adoption, it means that there has been brokenness at some point in the child's past. The original family was not the way it should have been. There is brokenness; there are problems that are part of the past. And so when that happens, there's always repercussions later.

And so for me, I've experienced some of those personally, those repercussions. It's a unique set of emotions that goes along with it because when the initial foundation of a child's life is not in place, it is unique in the fact that many children already have that foundation in place. And when that foundation has been broken in the sense that the original family, mother and father relationship, was not well or was not healthy, that when that foundation is crumbled, it tends to set the child up for struggles and maybe failures or problems later in life. It doesn't have to be that way, but the child is predisposed that way just because the foundation is crumbled at the beginning.

In order to really understand that right, you have to have walked through it yourself. And so in that sense, I feel like I understand the loss of identity that comes with having the people who created you not in your life. And that is, in a way, the ultimate foundation. And when that has been taken away, it can be very difficult to find who you are because some of those initial things are not in place. And I know a lot of people struggle with their identity and who they really are, but in an adoptee's life, there is even more missing in their background. For someone who may be considering adoption, what would you say to them?

I guess the first thing that I would mention to someone who is looking into taking in a child like that of some kind, I would probably say be aware that there has been brokenness in the past. I think sometimes it's easy to think, "Oh, if we give them enough love, it will just take care of the problem." And there are times it does. Don't misunderstand me. But the fact that there has been brokenness at some point means that there may be trauma to deal with. There may be the rejection to deal with. Be aware of those things and maybe even read up a little bit on what can happen to a child when they have not had some of those things in place or they've been abused or neglected.

Some of those things actually have a real impact on the way a child processes and how they interpret the circumstances around them, their senses, all of those things. At the same time, don't focus on it so much that in your mind it defines your child because it doesn't. And so I guess the second thing I would say is be aware of the blessing that comes with adoption or fostering or taking in a child with a broken past and see it for the opportunity that it is. It is incredible to have the chance to take in a child and to provide them with love, provide them with stability. It is amazing what can happen when a child is given the proper love and how it can heal the past trauma.

And another thing, this is a smaller thing, but I would probably say just remember that to treat the adopted or the foster child similarly as you would your other biological children should you have some. They are different. And so in a sense, you will view them as different, but don't treat them as inferior or less than just because of the past. And I know that's something that we don't really set out to do. We kind of think we won't, but I think sometimes it can come out and it can become obvious to the foster child or the adopted child. So what are some things you would say to someone who's been adopted and is struggling with some of those things?

I guess first and foremost, I would say don't be afraid to embrace the struggle. The struggle is normal. The struggle is real. And you don't need to deny it or you don't need to try to stuff it away. For myself, it can be easy to think, "Oh, we have to have it all together all the time. We can't show that we hurt in those ways." It was difficult to acknowledge the struggle because I felt like it would be it felt like I wasn't accepting of my adoptive family. I was very accepting of them. And I'm so grateful for the role they played, but I needed to go back into the past and to work through some of those things.

So there may be different circumstances in your life that are keeping you from embracing the struggle, but don't be afraid to wade into it and to think about it and to wrestle with it and to cry out to God for help in the middle of it. That's the important thing. Rather than just stay stuck in it and allow it to define you and to control you, work on getting through it. But don't be afraid to get into it in the first place. Now, something too we can talk about a little while. My family adopted as well, and I know lots of other Anabaptist families who have been involved in foster care and things like that.

So how would you say that Anabaptists as a people are equipped and primed for adoption and fostering? I totally agree with the basis of your statement that Anabaptists are very much cut out for that. And I think it's because the nuclear family is very important. Within just the way Anabaptists are set up, their value system is largely built on the importance of family and doing family the way God has set up with a father being in the position of leadership and then the mother having a complementary role and then having children in accordance with God's design. And so that value system is very prevalent within almost every Anabaptist church you can find. And so just that, the sense of importance of family, it just leads naturally to things like adoption and fostering because Anabaptists just naturally have a heart for children and especially for those who have come from a broken home situation, whether it be adoption or fostering.

Anabaptists have a big heart for those children because they see the importance of family. And so they are very willing to, from my experience, to open their homes to foster care and to adoption, even though there is a lot of brokenness in some of those situations, a lot of struggle with some of those children. Anabaptists as a community largely embrace that struggle. So are there any final thoughts you'd like to share with us before we close?

I guess one thing that comes to mind for me is when I think of adoption, I think about how it is a beautiful picture of what God does for each one of us when we become His children. And I think it is a beautiful type of what happens. And I think of how when we lived in, before we became believers, we had a past of brokenness and sin and how when God adopts us into His family and we become a child of His, He gives us a new identity. And it doesn't mean that it completely erases what happened in the past and that the past still may have effects now, but it does not define us anymore.

And we have a new identity as a child of God. It is because of Him that we can be secure and we can have peace and joy in Him. I love how adoption is a physical manifestation of what God does for us on a spiritual level and how adoption in a physical sense helps us understand, I think, what happens in a spiritual sense when we are adopted and we join God's family as His children. Very good. Well, thank you for sharing with us, Valerie. So good to hear your perspective and the things you can share with others and help them through their journey. So thank you for sharing.