"Singlehood: A Calling to be Stewarded" by Bill Shiley

The one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him, and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Welcome, everyone. On the Strength of Strength here this morning, and we are looking forward here to having Brother Bill Shiley share with us on singlehood. I think it's an important topic and something we need to talk about or let Bill talk about, I think, and maybe we can talk about it then too at the end. So we will have a Q&A here at the end, like usual, and so you can be ready for some discussion in that. And I don't know Bill personally very well, but I'll let you introduce yourself, Bill, and you've been on here before, but introduce yourself a little bit and we can go into that.

But before we do that, maybe we will have a word of prayer here. Let's pray. Father, I thank you for this morning. Thank you for this time we can gather together in this way, virtually, and I just pray your blessing on this meeting. I pray, Lord, that you would be glorified, and I pray for you would speak to us through Bill, and I pray that you would be able to inspire us on this topic. Thank you for the singles in our communities, and I just pray your blessing on them. I pray that you would help us to see the value in that and to honor them in that. God, I pray you'd be glorified here today.

I pray that your kingdom would come and your will will be done, and that this talk can be encouragement towards that end. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. Okay, Bill. God bless you. Go ahead. All right. Well, good morning, everybody.

As I said, my name is Bill Shiley. I'm 40 years old and I'm single. I live in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania. I'm part of Chambersburg Christian Fellowship. You're going to hear a lot about them this morning because they're a big part of making my life what it is today.

This talk is really some serious irony because I'm not one of those guys that just decided I was going to be single.

Bill Shiley and single should not belong in the same paragraph unless there's a big knot before it. And so I took this assignment largely. I kind of jumped the gun right off the bat because I knew that as God's worked in my life on this subject, I knew that someday this is probably going to come. And a lot of the reason I'm doing this talk this morning is out of gratitude to God for the work He's done in my life. And hopefully, sharing some things I've learned in my journey can be a help to you if you are single and also to the rest of us as we learn to work together as part of God's family.

So yeah, I never intended to be single. It's actually probably been one of the contexts that's provided some of the biggest battles and faith crises in my life. I remember when I was 18, at that point, the church I was part of required us to be 19 before we could start dating. And I remember thinking I was going to die waiting till I was 19.

And here I am, 22 years later.

I've attempted several times, asked quite a few girls out and got told no, dated a couple of times and didn't work out. So yeah, so I hope that this talk can be an encouragement to singles out there. And I guess one thing I want to leave this morning is that it's doable. It's not like something that you have to limp along and be a crippled all your life if you wanted to be married but aren't.

There's a lot of different reasons people are single, and there's different perspectives. And so this morning, I can't try to speak from all those. Obviously, there's males and females that are single. Obviously, I can only speak from the male perspective. So ladies, there's other people you'll have to talk to to answer some of your particular needs and issues.

Although there are some things that are common of both men and women.

There's also people who are single, and they're in their home community. They have biological family around, and that changes the scenery quite a bit. Then there's people who are outside their home community, don't have family around, but have good family to go back to, to connect with, to call home to. And then there's singles who—I'm using the term singles indeed. Paul uses that about widows, that the church should save its time and resources for those who are widows indeed, who are destitute. They don't have anyone to take care of them for whatever reason. And there are singles that are like that. They don't have family or very little family. There's complications. They've had to leave family for the sake of the kingdom.

And through that progression, it does change what being single looks like and the needs of a single person a lot. And then there are people who are single for a lot of different reasons. There's people who are single because they're a loader. They just, whatever reason, they're not a people person. They'd rather sit in a cabin in the woods and shoot deer and eat salt pork or whatever your stereotype is there.

There's people who are single because they just aren't really attracted to the opposite gender for whatever reasons. People are single because they don't want the risk. It just looks too scary or too involved, and they'd rather stay away from marriage.

There's some who are that way because they're self-centered. They don't want the encumbrances of having a wife, having children to care for and sacrifice for. There's people who are single because they're socially awkward. There's people who are single because they have sin or maturity issues in their life that are keeping them from being healthy relationship material.

And my document jumped me ahead too far here.

There's people who are single because they wish for a family, but they haven't gotten married. There's people who are single because of obedience to Jesus about a previous relationship. And so they're being celibate because they have been in a relationship and need to be faithful to that first partner, however the situation is. And then there's people who are single because they have chosen to be single simply to be useful, more agile for the kingdom of God.

So I can't speak for all those, and that's going to change this landscape of what your life looks like as a single. It is going to affect the needs that you have as a single.

And so if I misrepresent you this morning, I apologize. So I'm speaking from my perspective, my journey, and many that I have walked with, encountered, and talked with in my journey.

One thing that plays into this whole thing is the societal norms around us, how those change. So for example, when I was—when I was 20, 21, my early 20s, back in the 90s, early 2000s, an older single was 30.

You hardly heard about anybody who was 30 and older getting married. Now it's not uncommon to hear people in their 40s getting married. So I think that does change our perspective as a church because the world is like the soil that the church is planted in, and the condition of the soil does affect the plant.

Not saying that it always should or that that's good. It just is a factor. And so when I was younger, single, if you were single, it kind of sort of was the implication that there was something wrong with you.

And today, it can still mean that, but also can mean that you're a free spirit, that you have a sense of air and an air of adventure and independence about you.

So I think those things are affecting us, and I think we need to evaluate them and think through what that's doing to us.

So what's the big deal about being single? And I wonder, as I accepted the topic and as the title was put on it, I thought about changing it. Finally, I just decided, "I'm just going to leave it. It's good enough." But what goes through people when they hear the word single?

And why is it often looked at as a bad thing or a negative or a difficult thing? And I think part of it is just because we were made the way we were made as humans. And there are basic human longings that each of us have. They're good. They're right. I would say they are needs.

One of those is companionship. We were not made to be alone. That's one of the things that got broken with sin is fellowship, fellowship between God and humans, as well as the openness between humans. The songwriter said this well. He said, "I don't know a thing in the whole wide world that's worse than being alone," the song where no one stands alone.

And it's one thing to be alone because you are in a place where there are no other humans. It's another thing to be alone around other humans. That's the worst kind of loneliness because there is a solution there. And what is intended to be the solution, what is intended to be nurturing, is not.

I really think that's part of what David was talking about in Psalm 42, as the heart paneth after the water brooks.

"Why are you cast down, my soul? Why are you disquieted within me, Psalm?" And he says this, "When I remember these things, I pour out my soul in me, for I had gone with the multitude. I went with them to the house of God with the voice of joy and praise with the multitude that kept holy day." And the picture I get there is his inner agony was intensified by the fact that he's going through all of this difficulty. I think he's probably talking about his times of running from Saul and all that and all of the distress that went with that. And he's going with everybody else and everybody and rejoicing, but inside, he's deeply torn and distressed.

And he wasn't able to express that. In my life, that's been one of the biggest difficulties, is being alone among other people, feeling like somehow I'm not able to connect. I'm not part of what everybody else is. Part of that is community, being part of something, intimacy, knownness, to be with some people that know me well, belonging, ownership. Again, the idea of being part of something.

Again, our songs talk about these longings and these needs we have. There's a song, "Evening Always Finds Us Going Home," that talks about, says, "Somewhere there's a place of comfort where people always long to go. Home is where the heart is drawn to. An evening always finds us going home. And my heart turns to the place where I belong. The stars come out and tell me day is done. My steps are light, and in my heart, a song. Evening always finds us going home."

Songs like that for years were very difficult for me because I didn't have that.

Quite the opposite.

Songs like "Hold Tight to the Sound," "We Have This Moment." The one verse says, "Tender words, tender touch, and a good cup of coffee, and someone who loves me and wants me to stay." Belonging.

Robert Frost in his poem, "The Death of the Hired Man," depicts this idea as the husband and the wife discuss the hired man coming back to them and the probability that he felt some sort of home with them.

One says that this way, that home is something that you don't have to deserve. And the other one says home is someplace that when you go there, they have to take you in. And those are kind of two tensions that express this idea of belonging somewhere, being owned by others.

Trust, mutual trust. Trust where you are open and vulnerable to others and where people are open and vulnerable to you. And you have this responsibility to take care of others as an integral part of being human. Someone to give to, someone to invest and to pour your life into. And then the wholeness brought by God's image and the opposite gender. This is a huge issue with the whole thing of being single, is that desire or being drawn to the other gender. And that's not simply sexual, but God expressed himself by creating two different genders who uniquely, some of it overlaps, but who each uniquely demonstrate a part of God's nature. And so to be in a place where there are just men all the time, we miss out on God's image.

To be in a place where there are just women all the time, we miss out on God's image and the wholeness that's brought by the two working together. I am very firm about this, even for singles, that we need the opposite gender, even if it's not in a physical or a marriage type of relationship. That's good and healthy to be around and work closely together with and have friendships with each other. More on that later, hopefully.

So anyways, so these are things that are fundamental parts of how we were built as humans and that God created human relationships to provide and to

just be a part of how we are as humans and how we live. And that all was designed to take place in a marriage, in a family. That's what human society is, is collections of families living and working together.

Most people are married. Many marriages are not even remotely oasises of these kinds of things, these human characteristics. Some people don't have the opportunity to experience these things in a marriage.

And people who are not married are naturally disconnected from the natural flow of human relationships and wholeness. So in a marriage and a family where both parents are present and are living in harmony under Christ, it's a natural foundation. All the elements are there, and these kinds of things are naturally provided, not without struggle and difficulty. But a person who is not naturally part of a biological family naturally has to subsidize all these things because they're not in a position where these kinds of things naturally are going to be able to sprout and grow.

At the same time, that doesn't make the person any less human, any less in need of those things or less geared to produce and to operate in those kinds of activities and mindsets and emotions.

So enough about being scholastic and defining being single. But hopefully, that presents some context here about this whole thing and why this thing about being single is an issue. And again, I'll address this more later. But just because a person is married does not mean that they experience those things. Actually, I would argue that probably the majority of marriages in the world, and sadly, too many in the church, are not places where those things are really being experienced.

But as a single, naturally, there's no soil there for those things to be able to grow for very little. I want to talk a little bit about the concept of a calling. The title says, "Singlehood: A Calling to Be Stewarded." And a calling can be a compulsion from within, either to answer a need or to exercise a discipline.

It can also be a circumstance that requires you to operate within certain parameters in order to honor Christ. So in my life, that's one thing that I struggle with is, so how am I supposed to know? Am I called to be single?

Am I supposed to get married, or am I supposed to be single, or how am I supposed to know? What am I supposed to do with my desires, my longings? And the first one is subjective. So an inner compulsion or in our post-Reformation world, through the influence of Augustine and Calvin, we have this concept of predestination or determinism that God has scripted out our lives, and somehow we have to clue into what we're supposed to be doing about details that are not prescribed in scripture. And while I don't want to minimize that, God's Spirit can speak to us and does speak to us and give us nudges from within that are not written in scripture.

I think that a lot of problems in my life anyways, and many singles that I know of, and people who are no longer single but have gotten married, that has made a big problem is this thing of, how am I supposed to know what God's will is for my life? And what if I'm going against God's will? Maybe God wants me to be single, or maybe I'm called to be single, and I don't know it. And so I keep asking, keep trying to pursue relationships, and they don't work out because I'm going against God's calling for me. And I would like to just, as a whole, push back against that concept more on that a little bit later on.

I do believe God can speak and lead somebody to that. It's something that they're going to know, but that's subjective. And primarily, our calling, the Bible speaks about a calling. It's a calling to be obedient children. It's a calling to leave the mold of this world and be shaped according to Christ. It's a calling to be joyful. It's a calling to forgive. It's a calling to serve. It's a calling to be humble. Those are clear callings. We know that.

It's a calling to be pure. So when I think about this thing about being single as a calling, if you are single, you are called to be single. You may be married in six months or a year, but right now, I am called to be single. I do not necessarily feel like I'm called to be single all my life. I really don't feel like I need to determine that. All I need to know is that today, I am called to be single. And so therefore, I need to relate to my circumstances and myself and God and others in a way that makes me able to be an obedient child and to work together with his family, his church.

So we always know that. We're called, if we are single, we are called to be pure. We're called to be joyful. We're called to be thankful. We're called to be responsible for ourselves and to serve others. Those are clear things that scripture tells us, just like any married person.

Yeah, the concept that there is a plan scripted out is really a superstition that was carried over and infused into Christian doctrine by Augustine and Protestant reformers like Calvin, that God is over all things and he scripts out our lives, and we have to somehow clue in on that.

Rather, I believe God is sovereign over all things. Nothing surprises him or will thwart his plans to redeem humanity. And God does desire to weave into our lives other people and events to shape us and to give us opportunities to shape others.

But the concept that God's will is like this treasure hunt, and we got to follow clues to figure out what it is, or else we're missing out on it as abundant problems and difficulties. That's sort of a topic for another time. But I've found that to be myself and also in many others I've talked to, to be a real battleground that makes a lot of problems with this.

And even going through romantic endeavors, those kinds of concepts often complicate when those things don't work out. So for example, somebody felt like, "Well, I had these signs from God. We both felt led. We've both felt God leading us to this relationship. So now what do I do with that? Because I thought this was God's will."

And so I really would push back against depending heavily on signs for God's will. I know Gideon put out the fleece, but God never tells people or really endorses leaning on those kinds of things. I'm not saying that God can't and doesn't ever work through that, but they also can just simply be coincidences that we interpret.

For example, one time I was thinking about a girl I was interested in. I said, "Lord," I was close to her house. I said, "Lord, let us cross paths." And sure enough, I drove past, and there she's pulling out from the intersection. It's like, "See, so this is God's will." Well, it didn't work out.

And then that's confusing.

I've heard people use, "And I allowed myself to be influenced by the opening of your Bible and point." And one time, I'm not going to say the name because it would implicate a person, but I opened my Bible, and as point blank as anything can be point blank, it said that I should pursue this person. And it didn't work out. I've had friends. I was thinking about it, and here a friend comes up to me and says, "Hey, what about this person? She would." And then when things don't work out, or in that case, I found out later she was already engaged.

That gets really confusing and distressing. It's like, "So what? Is God playing games with me, or what am I supposed to do with these things?" And I think that there's a lot of bad thinking about that concept that God is going to show me through some sign.

And also, in my life, I think that one of the problems is I think then that if God leads me into something, that therefore it is going to work out the way I would prefer. And that, I believe, is erroneous.

Yeah, I don't want to get into the discussion about free will and how all that works. But I do believe that God will nudge us at times towards something that he knows is going to flop according to our perspective, our desires, our thinking, because he's going to use it to shape us or is going to use it to make an opportunity to influence somebody else. And the mystery is that God does allow us to choose and allows our choices then to influence others. And the more closely we work together, the more deeply that happens.

That's one thing that I've told a lot of single guys as we've talked about our experiences and breakups and rejections and things like that is I don't have the answers to how to go about finding a life partner, obviously, and all that. I've learned some things about it. But one thing I do know, and that is that there is nothing for a guy at least. There's no way for God to get a handle on a man and work deeply in his life and through this issue.

And my encouragement is to let him do that. So for people who would like to be married and are not and go through disappointments about that, there's questions that come up then. So what's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not relationship material? Is there something repulsive about me that is why I get turned down or why things aren't working out? Is this because there's something wrong in my life that I need to change? Is God trying to tell me something and I'm not catching on?

Or is this just an exercise of discipline, of training in my life? And there's no objective questions to those. One thing I've learned is that panicking over them doesn't help anything.

And there are times to be honest with God, but not to kick yourself. So I can look back through different relationships I've attempted. And through all of them, there's been things that God wanted to do in my life. There's been things for me to learn. There's things I needed to face about myself. But I can't necessarily say, "Well, that's why that happened."

We could go on for the rest of our lives and say, "Well, yeah, I shouldn't have gotten married then because I still had this issue." But God does allow our decisions to affect each other, and God always wants to work good through those things.

So there are times to be honest with God, but not to blame yourself and feel like for some reason you've necessarily ruined your life because you have this problem that God wants you to face. And there are times to be open with your brothers and sisters and accept input in their lives. Ask them, allow them to be verbally honest with you about things in your life that may be causing this.

Although I think we should focus more on being people who work together well with other humans than on people who are necessarily ideal potential marriage partners.

I think the first produces the second. Learning to work well with other people, to serve, to love, to give makes a person work well in a marriage. And when I say those kinds of things, I'm talking some from my observations and some because I've had the privilege then being single to sit and listen to a lot of married men. And I'm incredibly thankful for the dose of realism that they've given me in life about marriage. If I ever am married, I'm sure I will be much better off, start off on a much better platform because of that.

Another thing in this is that God's working in our lives doesn't have to make sense. We don't have to understand. That's ultimately where Job came to in the end of his book there, end of his story, is where he didn't have to understand why this was happening, but he came to the point where he could trust the person. He saw that this person, God, had things going on that he couldn't scratch the surface of understanding and that he was good and there was purpose and beauty in his designs and that he chose to trust him with those unanswered and uncomprehensible whys.

Yeah, so it doesn't have to make sense. And God may allow things in your life that it's not necessarily that you're doing something wrong, but God definitely will want to do things in your life through them. God may lead you into something very difficult to grow or to use you.

One time, I was going through a very messy, very difficult breakup. And I've talked before in some of my other talks about faith crises and things like that. And many of these issues and this concept of what's God's will and what am I supposed to do about this really was a seedbed for some of those. And this particular one, I was really struggling. I really felt like mentally, I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. And most people can't believe that because I'm not the kind of person that walks around

acting or looking like I'm shaky. Part of that is because I have to, when things are tough, I have to face life resolutely and determinedly or I will fall apart. So I was driving a water tanker. It was summertime. School was out. And I literally was sitting in the break room there trying to get my brains together enough to be able to focus and perform my job to drive and praying and just whys. And the devil is so logical and all those conversations with him and with the other person that you can have in your head. And I finally realized, "I need a sword. I've got to fight. I've got to fight back. I got to make this thing run."

And so the sword is the word of God. And so I got to quote some scripture then. And I just grabbed Hebrews 12 and started quoting. And I got down there to where it talks about Abraham. And it says, "By faith, Abraham, when he was called to go out into the place which he should after receive for an inheritance, obeyed. And he went out not knowing whither he went." And I realized I'm in good company because many of the things God asked Abraham to do, they didn't make sense to him either.

It looked completely counter to all the promises God had made when he was asked to sacrifice Isaac. And yet he did it. And it was through his faithfulness that he was able to leave a legacy for us. And so that was a big encouragement to me that if it doesn't make sense, that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. It means it's an opportunity to exercise humble childlike faith and trust and just step forward into the things that are clear, the things God tells us to rejoice, to trust in God, to give thanks, to forgive, to serve, all those kinds of things. Those are things we know are God's will.

Another story that was shared with me one time that was encouraging to me about those kinds of things. And I would love to find—I never got the name of the book or the story or the individual, but there was a secret agent that was training in spy school.

And he graduated and was sent on a few small assignments and did well. And then he got done with the last one, and then he just didn't hear anything from headquarters. And it was like three years, just nothing, absolutely nothing. And he's wondering, "What did I do wrong?

Just. So that's it. They can't use me anymore." And he really went through some struggles with that. And one day he's walking down the street and a car pulled up and the back door opened. And this guy's inside said, "Get in." And here it was, his superiors. And they said, "We've been watching you. You performed highly, and we've been watching you these last three years to see how you're going to behave when you think it doesn't matter and when nobody's watching you." And we've been impressed. And as I was told the story, he actually became one of the top spies. Not that that's a good thing, but according to the kingdoms of this world, he became extremely valuable.

He actually was so good that he became a diplomat for the country he was spying on. Anyways, bringing that story up, that was encouraging to me that sometimes it may actually be God's vote of confidence that he's allowing us to go through some very dark, confusing things to see if we're going to be faithful because there's other things that he wants to bring us into.

So we never know. We only know that if we trust God and if we're faithful in the small things, the clear things, that he will, in the end, we will be able to stand with him and know that we were part of his kingdom growing and reclaiming planet Earth. Also, always remember that God's hand is always a gentle one. When he is correcting through things, it's always to make us better. It's never to make us pay for what we've done, but to help us to see things as they truly are and to grow and to change.

And it will turn out good in the end as long as our purpose becomes what his purpose is. And that's what Romans 8:29 says, is that God's purpose is that we grow to be more like Jesus.

A big part that I've had to come to reckon with is that the Christian life comes with a cross. And it's not necessarily a cross that's because I'm doing something wrong, but this is the valley of sorrows. This world is not okay. And it's because of sin, not necessarily just my sin, but sin as a human race.

And it is through suffering that we join Christ in redeeming the world. And so we are all going to have a cross to bear. We're all going to have a sorrow in our lives, a difficulty that we just have to meekly bear joyfully and allow it to exercise us in godliness. Cheerful suffering is a tool to overcome evil.

The question that we all have to face is, what do we really want in life? Do we really want just to be happy and to get what we want? Or do we really want to be part of God's revolution and restoring humanity to follow King Jesus?

And if the latter is true, then it means we're going to suffer with him so that we can reign with him.

And we just have to be okay with that. And it's not a, "I'm going to be a tough guy, and so I'm just going to—I don't care. It doesn't matter to me anymore." But it's a difficult balance to maintain sensitivity to things and to still feel and to still care, but to cast your cares on Christ, on God, as Peter says, to humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God so he can exalt us in due time. And to cast our care on him, understanding that he cares and he feels.

He weeps at the tomb of Lazarus even though he knows he's going to raise him again. And to allow that to comfort us. And then the fascinating thing is, as we open ourselves and we accept the difficulty that God allows in our lives and we come to him as a child to his Father and we allow him to bear our sorrow with us and to comfort us, then we have comfort, as Paul says. We're able to comfort others with the same comfort that we are able to be comforted with by God.

I've had some tremendous opportunities to do that. And it makes your own struggles, your own sorrow feel very small and far away when you're able to sit there and look somebody in the eyes and say, "I know exactly what you're going through. I've been there, and I know how it feels." And give them an outlet to express what they're going through and encourage them and demonstrate to them that working through these things is doable. Probably one of the more difficult ones was a young man that found out in a very difficult way that some girls really did not have much for him. And I could have sat there and scolded him and told him, "You got to buck up.

You can't blame your struggles and your problems on that you don't have anybody in your life." That probably wouldn't have helped him. And so instead, I just began to pray with him and just thank God for all the difficult things that he brought in my life and for the good that he did in my life through him. I probably bowled my head off like I never had before doing that. But when we got done, there wasn't anything to say.

I didn't have to argue with him. I set an example. And those are tremendously precious times when your own journey, your own wrestling with God brings you to a place of peace that you can lift somebody else and set an example to somebody else for.

And yeah, I could cry right now myself, not so much because I'm feeling the pain, but just out of thankfulness to God for the goodness that he's brought in my life through those things, for helping me to fight through them and to grow and to be able to overcome and to change, to not be drugged down by them in my life.

Contentment is another issue that comes into play here. So people say, "Well, you need to be content with wherever you're at in life."

One thing I had to face with accepting this talk is the fact is I probably am somewhere going to expose the fact that I still need to grow in some things. And so maybe some of these things I may change.

I know probably a year down the road, I'll have some different things to say about them. But contentment doesn't necessarily mean that you don't want anything to change in your life. Paul says that he's learned how to be abased and how to abound, how to be full and how to be hungry. And he's learned in whatsoever state he is to be content.

That doesn't mean that when they are floating on the piece of wood in the shipwreck, that he's just like, "Boy, this is just awesome. I just love being baptized by these waves and feeling like I'm going to drown any minute."

But he gets to a place where he's not striving against his circumstances, especially against God or other people because of them. And rather, he's in a stance of rest. He's poised to be able to reach out rather than a place where he's trying to secure himself and defend himself and protect himself. He's at rest with the circumstances. He's not fighting against them or against God or against people who may be causing them. And he's able to reach out and to bless and to help others instead.

I like the verse in Psalms. I don't necessarily have figured out totally what this picture is. And for some reason, I didn't put the reference here. But he says, "Lord, my heart is not haughty nor my eyes lofty. Neither do I exercise myself in great matters or in things too high for me.

Surely I have behaved and quieted myself as a child that is weaned of his mother. My soul is even as a weaned child. Let Israel hope in the Lord from henceforth and forever."

There's something in that picture there about a child who is no longer needy. Not that we don't still have needs, but he doesn't have to always be coddled and have attention and be pacified. He can be quiet and be by himself and not have to be being attended to all the time.

I like that picture of being quieted like a child that's weaned from his mother.

And ultimately, we love little babies and little toddlers, but we want them to grow up to be people who are not needing all the time but able to give. That's one thing that's been exciting for me as a teacher, watching my students grow up and become people who now some of them are teaching, some of them are married, some of them have children now, and they're able to give to others. And that's what God, I think God wants us to grow to where we can give to others and we're no longer sitting in a place where we're needing and definitely where we're not striving against our circumstances. And so as I think about contentment and being single, I don't feel like I need to say that I'm fine with being single the rest of my life.

I actually think that's counter to the Sermon on the Mount. I do think there's been times in my life where I realized that my contentment was contingent on hopes that this would not last forever. But I don't have to decide that. All I know I have to do is to be happy and thankful and fruitful in the life that God has given me today. And right now, I am called to be single because I am single. And so therefore, it's my duty. It's my obligation. It's my privilege to be joyful and to take advantage of the situation I'm in and use it to honor God and to bless others.

So if you are single, therefore, you are presently called to be single. And I've told my students this all the time. Don't waste your single life.

And I don't mean go on all kinds of carnal adventures and spend thousands of dollars going out west, shooting elk. I'm not saying never do that, but I'm not talking about those self-centered type of things. But there are so many opportunities while you're single to serve.

As much as I like to see my students graduate, I had a couple that dropped out at 10th grade. Some ladies that dropped out, in part, was because they wanted to help other mothers. That's a tremendous—my hat's off to them. I give them my biggest blessing.

Tremendous need for that.

I have friends that are 20 years old, and they're going to Greece.

One of the 18-year-olds—was he 20 or was he 21-year-old?—I worked with spent some time up at a military base in Wisconsin this last winter with Rafgan refugees from the Taliban takeover there in Kabul. Just spending time with the young people there, the boys there playing soccer most of the time, but just interacting with them, looking for opportunities to be a witness and to be a stabilizing factor in their lives.

That's great. I wish I could have started some of that when I was younger. I was not in a place emotionally where I was secure enough to—I guess I needed home. I was in my upper 20s before I started launching out on being away from home that long, church home that long. But those are opportunities. While you're single, you can't do that when you're married.

It's much more difficult. You have other people that depend on you and trust on you that you need to provide environment for. So those are tremendous opportunities to serve. And it's the irony of God's kingdom that when we—if you are going through heartache yourself because of longings that you have, that's a tremendous way to transform them, is to reach out to others. That's how we find purpose in healing in life. And ultimately, in marriage, a person's not going to find fulfillment unless they learn to orient themselves that way, to focus on what they can give to the other person, how they can absorb the other person's difficulties, and bless them back. So those are tremendous life skills that are important to develop.

So yeah, don't waste your single life. Take opportunities of the flexibility and so forth. I know it's not all fun and games. I have a house. I live by myself. And you come home from work, and you got to wash dishes, cook food, and wash dishes and do laundry and all those kinds of things as well. But it's not like singles just have all the free time in the world, but there is a tremendous amount of agility that we have and a lot of free time to give to others, to serving the church, to serving other people, to serving special ministries.

I want to talk a little bit about reactions as singles. There's kind of this thing that there's people—it seems like there's people who either all they can think about is romance and marriage, and they've just got to have a man in their life or got to have a woman in their life.

Or else there's this idea that you need to—Jesus is your husband. I don't know if I've ever heard of the Jesus is your wife, but you need to be complete in God as a person. My relationship with God gives me all the fulfillment that I need. And so I don't need a man—I don't need men in my life. I don't need women in my life to give me value and all that kind of stuff.

And I think that's a false dichotomy.

It seems, especially as singles, as we get older, especially after we've been through some disappointments, some very difficult relationships, we tend to shy back. It looks scary. And that's part of why we're not as quick to—probably we're more trepidated about those things. And just I think it's important to be careful not to react.

I've faced this on multiple levels with trust being broken on a family level, on a church level, leadership levels. And it's always better to open yourself and be vulnerable and trust than to wad up, to close yourself and protect yourself.

It's extremely risky, but it is very important. When we try to—when we shrivel up and react and try to pull away, we ruin also the good that God can bring through our lives. I'm at a place church-wise that that's that way right now that if I would have held back and pulled back, I would have been missing out on a tremendous amount of blessing that can also come through the vulnerability of trust. And I'm not saying that so much just about you need to open yourself to dating again or whatever. But outside of marriage even, God still made us male and female, and we are meant to complement each other and to display God's image through working together.

And so as a single man, I still do need women in my life in relationships to round me out and to round out our world and also on teams. When Soldier of the Cross first started, we were all single. And we needed the single ladies on our team incredibly to help balance out things and to help just take care of a lot of things from an angle that as men, we don't tend to think of as much.

Part of the emotional health I'm enjoying presently in my life is partly because of friendships with the wives of men in our church that I'm also friends with in a completely clean and very platonic manner. But there's something about that God made about our genders when we work together. There's a wholeness and a health that comes from that. So just be careful that you don't react and close yourself off both from providing and from receiving that kind of balance.