S2S Sisters: “God’s Design for Healthy Marriage: A Wise Woman Builds Her House” by Marji Wagler

Lesson Transcript

Our prayer is that you will be filled with the knowledge of His will, strengthened with all might according to His glorious power. Well, hello everyone. Welcome to Strength to Strength Sisters. The vision of Strength to Strength Sisters is to encourage women to be catalysts in advancing the Kingdom through biblical teaching, testimonies of faithful women, and thought-provoking discussion. Strength to Strength Sisters welcomes Margie Wegler today to discuss marriage as God intended.

Margie Wegler is married to Tommy Wegler of Hartville, Ohio. The first part of their married life was spent in Kenya, where they raised six children and left a large part of their hearts. They've been living in the United States since 2016, feeling a burden for intentional brotherhood and glorifying God in their local setting. Margie spends a good part of her time to keep up with her husband, who wears many hats, and children who are not short on energy, new ideas, outreach, and vision.

She prays that her children will go far and deep in following Christ where He leads. She loves sunshine, music, good books, and a good coffee with a friend. So today we're on Zoom, and we can't in person share that cup of coffee together, but we are really looking forward to hearing what you have to share, Margie. After Margie is finished with her talk, we will open it up for a question-and-answer session.

This platform is intended for sisters, so feel free with your questions, and Margie will answer them or pass them along to you all to hear your thoughts as well. We would love if you'd turn your video on because it's so nice to see your face, but you may also enter your questions in the chat box as well, and then Lynelle will pass them along to the speaker if that feels more comfortable for you.

So this is a very special subject, a subject that's very close to our hearts, and I'm sure that we would all agree that in the day and age we are living in, this is a very important subject. This is the finest hour, you could say, for lawful and godly marriages and Christian families. So may our hearts be open, and may God speak to us in ways that we can shine this light brightly in our day as New Testament women.

Well, Margie, I would like to pray together with the ladies that are listening and for you that His Holy Spirit would be here with us today. So let's pray, and then after I'm done praying, Margie, you can just feel free to go ahead into your talk then. Okay. Let's pray.

Glory be to Your name, Heavenly Father, for Your abundant kindness to us, Lord, and thank You for this opportunity to meet together in this way, Lord, as a group of women who are longing to hear from You, Father, and we have gathered this afternoon to spend some time at Your feet, Lord, and we're asking that Your Holy Spirit would be poured out through and in this vessel of Yours, Sister Margie. Please fill her with Your Holy Spirit, Lord. Please take away all fear.

I pray for her protection from the evil one, and I pray that she would be able to verbalize the things that You've put on her heart to share with us, Lord. We realize that she has walked many years with her husband, Father, and we are asking You to bless her, and we're asking You to use her this afternoon. And Father, may this meet the needs of many hearts, Father, today as we listen to it live and in the years to come that people will hear this recording.

So please bless us today, Father, and we commit this time into Your hands in Jesus' name. Amen. Well, good afternoon, everyone. The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands, the foolish one tears hers down. That's Proverbs 14:1. So first I want to say marriage is such a beautiful, pure gift from God, and my husband, Tommy, is by far one of the greatest blessings in my life.

Marriage can also be very intense, and if your marriage just runs smoothly without any bumps, now is probably a good time for you to get off this chat because you're not going to be able to identify. So I'm not coming to you with this easy marriage that just sails along smoothly with little effort, and I have so much compassion for those who are struggling. I just, I think the heart of God aches when He sees His gift turned into such misery, and yet there's people that are living that.

So a lot of what I'm going to say, I'm speaking actually quite directly to myself, and I have this sneaky suspicion. That's why Tommy encouraged me to accept this topic. Anyway, I realize how terribly needy I am, and I hope that my struggles and answers I have found can also be helpful to somebody else. Sometimes I feel loved and protected, and sometimes I feel very unnoticed and unvalidated, and then I have choices to make.

One thing I do know is that my actions will eventually inform my heart, and so faithfully disciplining myself to do the right thing will actually, in time, affect a change in my heart. But what if your marriage isn't so much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God? First of all, marriage is a picture of God's blood covenant with us. In Genesis 15, God entered into a blood covenant with Abraham.

The blood of animals represented the blood of Christ, and a blood covenant was actually a pretty big deal back then. And then in 1 Samuel, David and Jonathan cut a blood covenant between them. Also, historically, at Jewish weddings, a marriage covenant is established, and the couple was supposed to prove the woman's virginity with a blood-stained cloth. And I think that once again, God was showing that a covenant signed in blood is one He considers very important.

And in actuality, women don't always bleed, but that symbol is there, and I think God is very serious about the marriage covenant. So why did God create marriage? Some people equate marriage only with happiness and finding happiness and security, and I'm pretty sure they haven't been married yet. If happiness is our end goal, we have a big problem, and we're going to get a divorce as soon as happiness leaves. If receiving love is our goal, we're going to dump our spouse as soon as we don't feel loved.

But if we marry for God's glory to pursue Him together with our husband, then divorce just does not make sense. Happiness in marriage should be a byproduct and not the end goal of a Christ-centered marriage. We need to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give: perfect happiness, stress-free living, and idolatrous obsession. Instead, we can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: love relationship, shaping, intimacy, and the ability to pursue and glorify God as one.

John 17 repeatedly says, "When we are one, others believe." Our oneness brings God glory. Also, in 2 Chronicles, when the priests didn't esteem their division, they just did their job. The singers were unified, and they sang with one voice. That is when the glory of God came down and filled the tabernacle, and it filled it with such intensity that the priests fell down. God's glory is made known when we are one.

So a question to ask ourselves: Am I working alongside my husband in oneness, or am I working against him? That will determine whether our marriage brings glory to God or not. When two people look not to themselves but to God for fulfillment, that's when true oneness happens, I think, almost as a byproduct. So I want to give just a bit of practical advice to newlyweds, and then I'm going to get into a little bit more of the meat.

So I referred to idolatrous obsession a bit ago, and here's a few things I wish I would have known before I got married. So you often hear the phrase "finding a soulmate to complete us," and the problem with looking to another human to complete us is that, spiritually speaking, it's idolatry. We're to find our fulfillment in God. If we expect our spouse to be God to us, they're going to fail. No person can live up to that.

I don't think I was expecting Tommy to take that place for me, but I know that I had unrealistic expectations and burdens that I placed on him. Your husband is there to be your friend, your soulmate, your lover, and much more, but God did not design him to fill your insecurities and longings. Your identity does not rest on another person, and your husband is just a man; that burden will break him. If you aren't secure in Christ before you get married, you're not going to be afterward.

In fact, your needs will probably be highlighted. Looking to our husbands for fulfillment brings resentment because he will fail. So number one, don't put pressure on him to fulfill you. Just enjoy the relationship with an open hand. Number two, you must truly leave father and mother. So if you grew up thinking your dad was amazing like I did, at some point you're going to have a choice to make. And I remember when Tommy first did something that I knew my dad would not have done.

He took a car to a mechanic, and my dad always serviced his own vehicle. I thought all men did that. I had a choice to make, and that was actually one time when I did the right thing and I kept my mouth shut. You are called to honor your new authority. Definitely honor your father, but if there comes a time when the paths diverge, choose your husband. So number three, don't expect them to read your mind. I remember being so tired and overwhelmed in Kenya one night.

I had so much to do, and I was pregnant, and my feet hurt. I could hardly keep going, and Tommy just did not notice. And I thought, if he loved me, he would see I was struggling. Finally, in tears, I asked him, could he help me? And he said, sure, you just need to ask. I don't always know. So before we get ourselves worked up, let's just explain how we're feeling and not expect them to read the signs, even if we feel like we've made them fairly obvious.

Okay, so I want to talk about some hard stuff first, and then we're going to talk about building our marriages. If you would like to break your marriage, then try these four things, and you probably have a fairly good chance of success. Be quick to assume, be controlling, be critical and disrespectful, and have a discontented heart. So probably one of the biggest problems for women is assuming and ascribing motives. Don't assume. Women tend to read between the lines.

So if your husband asks you at dinner, where did you buy this chicken? And you're like, what's wrong with it? Is it too tough? Did I pay too much? Would he rather have beef? We don't listen only to the words, but we make assumptions and we ascribe motives. We ascribe motives when we don't have their wrapped attention, when they're buried in the paper, which could likely happen.

We ascribe motives if he forgets to ask how our day was, or if he leaves the toilet ring up, brushes off our concerns, forgets our anniversary. Those can all mean a lot of things, but not necessarily that he doesn't care deeply for us. 2 Corinthians 10:5-6, casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every single thought to the obedience of Christ.

At the root of troubled marriages, there's often lies, and it's normally not the circumstances so much as what we've decided is true about the circumstances. It wasn't so much his question about the chicken as what we thought he meant by it. So if we can rein in our imaginations and try to stick with what we know and stick with truth, the actual words he said were, where did you buy this chicken? A wise woman will choose to think good until proven wrong, and even when proven right, still choose to focus on good.

And the verse whatsoever is lovely comes to my mind. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7. Let's be careful with our thoughts because we will act out of them. And wrong thoughts soon become patterns, and eventually your patterns create habits, which eventually becomes our character. And it's pretty scary to me that our character can be created just by mere thoughts. I became aware of the power of thoughts a few years ago.

Mental health is just as a big thing these days, and it can start with a single choice to think wrong thoughts. So it's not enough to get rid of wrong thoughts. We need to replace them with truth. Memorize truth, print it out, hang it over your sink, marinate in it. Go on the offense. When your husband hurts you, write him a love note or pray for him. Text him something sappy. Make his favorite food. Yeah. Go on the offensive there. The second way to break a marriage is to control and manipulate.

So any action that keeps us in charge is control, and we are pretty good at it. It might even be second nature to some of us. Motives for control can be fear, selfishness, and pride. We say we need to fix a situation, or we're trying to help, or I had to because he wouldn't. We don't actually see it as control. Personally, I have a harder time with control with my older children, I think, than my husband, but it is really, really sneaky. We can fear releasing control because, hey, what if he doesn't get it right?

What if the children are affected by his attitude? What if he doesn't lead? What if we run out of gas? What will happen if he has total authority? He probably didn't see that good parking spot. Something's going to blow up. He just doesn't know the children like I do. There's a humorous story where a comedian once said, "When I reach for food, my wife says, 'You're not hungry.'" Imagine if I would have never married. I would have walked around eating all those years, and I wouldn't have known that I wasn't hungry.

So sometimes we assert control in places that are not very welcome. So nagging is an outright form. There's nothing sneaky about it. And the scripture speaks about a continual dripping, so evidently it is a problem. But I think often we tend to be sneakier than that. What about forgetting when he asks you to do something, or always being late and making him wait, or continuing to do something he asks you to stop, keeping info or half-truths from him, keeping receipts from him? You're on your own.

There's no protection. What about spiritual guilt to get them to do our will? A woman who uses her conviction to straighten up her husband becomes a spiritual leader. It's like the little girl who wants to turn with a new doll, and she says, "Jesus said we should share." That's using scripture as a weapon. Manipulation is so tricky. The more controlling we are, the more stressed we become, and the more insecure we become. Because everything is resting on our shoulders.

Everything is up to me, and everything needs to be perfect. I feel really sorry for people who feel like they need to control the situation because it actually speaks of insecurity and fear. God came because we aren't perfect, and God loves messes. Let that one soak. Allow ourselves to be broken. Allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Allow our families to be needy. Allow our children to mess up. Embrace it, actually. We won't know grace until we do, and releasing control is what brings so much rest to our spirit.

We are not called to be his evangelists. Not his mother, not the Holy Spirit, not his salvation. We're not even called to be his conscience. Imagine that. We're called to be wives. God wants to lead our husbands, but sometimes our voice is drowning out God's. How many men would become stronger men of God if they didn't have wives acting like the Holy Spirit and getting in the way?

So for two years, I was praying about some circumstances surrounding my husband, and I considered talking to him about it, and I never felt released. So I prayed very specifically, and about two years later, out of the blue, he came to me saying, "I've been thinking about this issue, and I'm going to explain to the children why this is going to change." And there was not a single word from me. And I have quite a few when necessary. It was 100% the Holy Spirit, and it just bolstered my faith and the Spirit's power.

I am so, so thankful for the Holy Spirit. Next point is criticism and disrespect will break your marriage. Criticism is just plum saying, "I could do it better." A critical wife will not be able to honor her head because she's placing herself in authority. He is the head. He is responsible before God, and it honestly doesn't matter too much whether he's right or wrong. You're not going to answer to God for that. You're going to answer to God for your response.

Criticism causes people to become defensive, and no man became better through criticism. Instead, if we can call each other higher and draw out the best and play up the good and speak truth and love, that will go a long way. A critical spirit is going to block God's blessings. Similarly, disrespect is going to probably always trigger your husband because honor is one of his biggest needs. I have dishonored my husband with my actions and words, and I didn't even know it.

It just wasn't on my radar because that's not a huge need of mine, and it took me a while to see how I was dishonoring him. So it was a work situation, and a friend asked me not to pass on info to my husband because her child wanted to be the one to do it. So I agreed thinking this is going to be like a day or two. It ended up going a few weeks, and when my husband found out that I knew and didn't tell him, he was blown away. I think he felt very betrayed.

It was a time-sensitive issue, and it actually put him in a really hard spot at work, and he was not happy. I thought I was being honorable and keeping my word and allowing them time to talk, but Satan actually used my integrity against my marriage, keeping my word against my marriage, and my husband felt very disrespected. And it took me a little bit to understand why this would feel like disrespect. So be very sensitive to anything that might feel like dishonor to your husband. It's very important to him.

And if you have the nerve, ask him, "How do I disrespect you?" Respect is a heart posture, and our actions often prove it. So number four, a discontented spirit. No matter how wealthy, how attentive our husbands are, how cherished we feel, we can always find something to complain about. And complaint is more natural than gratitude, want more natural than worship. Focusing on what we don't have is easier than what we've been given because of sin. Sin causes us to live for nothing more than ourselves.

It's so desolate. Sin actually makes self-satisfaction the highest goal. And here's the oxymoron. If I am the center of my world, I'm always going to be unhappy. When God designed marriage, he designed an other-centered union for a me-centered world. And the sooner I realize I'm not Queen Bee and the world won't do my bidding, the happier I'll be. So I want to talk a little bit about disagreements and forgiveness.

A quote I read recently said, "You can be right or you can be happy, but not usually both." And sometimes that feels like that's the way it is. Only by pride comes contention. Proverbs 13:10. Only by pride. That means humility is key. Understanding how broken I am and how much I need grace. When I accept God's grace for my wrongs, only then am I able to offer it to my spouse. And the more we realize our performance will never reach God's perfection, then the more our excuses just shatter.

In disagreements, be willing to suffer wrongfully. And I think of 1 Peter. Submit yourself to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake, verse 15, that ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men. If you suffer wrongfully, your submission and not your carefully crafted words can actually silence accusations. So place yourself under the protection of the one who came up with this plan. You answer to God for your response, regardless of your husband's words. That's his department. And be quick to forgive.

Abigail lived with a disgruntled man and didn't become bitter or try to set him straight. And God honored her. Sarah allowed her husband to wrong her and yet called him Lord. Unforgiveness, however, is egotistical indulgence. It's a passionate sense of being offended. And how can we, who are so messed up, withhold forgiveness? If left untreated, unforgiveness becomes resentment, which becomes bitterness in your soul. So I would like to talk a little bit about surrender and submission and trust.

Surrender allows God's protection. It's like a hard hat. We don't get the protection and the covering unless we actually put it on. And the reverse is true. When we can't surrender, everything is going to fall on our own heads. There will be no protection. There will be no covering. I don't think our husbands want unthinking doormats who are no help to them, but a woman fully alive with opinions choosing to surrender. Even Christ in the garden struggled terribly with surrender, and yet he yielded.

In the end, it's God's design, and it's actually our gift. It allows our hearts to rest. We don't have to be right, and we don't have to lead out. We can just relax. Sometimes, though, submission is an act of pure obedience to God through our husbands. And when practiced long enough, will inform and change our hearts. So what about false submission? No one can force submission. It is your heart voluntarily coming under the authority of someone else. If it's grudging, it isn't submission.

If we acquiesce only so they'll change, it's manipulation, and your husband will likely see through it. False submission usually has a backup plan. So how can I lead my heart to submit? First, it's an act of will and might and obedience saying, "Yes, Lord." Second, it's seeing the Lord is in control, and I will trust him. And then trust becomes agreement in my heart, and that is submission. Ultimately, trust in God allows us to submit. That allows me to live in a carefree abandonment. It's not easy.

It's not natural. It's not a one-time event, and I have not learned it well. So I want to look at appeal a bit. So God gave us thinking minds, and we are called to be helpers. We are given a voice, intuition, and the Holy Spirit also. And there's times when you don't feel at rest with a decision. You've surrendered, and you still feel just burdened. We have a beautiful example of appeal in Queen Esther. First, she spent three days fasting. She didn't go off half-cocked when she was frustrated.

She waited and waited until the time was right. She had an attitude of deep respect toward her husband, and I know he felt that. She was honest and straightforward with her request. Give your husband a respectful appeal he can work with. Don't use your emotions as a control tactic. She was also willing to sacrifice and put her neck on the line. And we should also be willing to meet in the middle and be workable. Don't misuse the liberty to appeal. When we were first married, I brought up everything.

I had questions, misgivings, niggling feelings about it. Anyway, I thought we should totally be totally agreed before we wiggle a finger. I don't think I gave him very much room to come to his own conclusions. But much prayer should go into appeal and time. I often pray for the Holy Spirit to guide me specifically on whether I should appeal or not. And sometimes God gives me clear opportunity and direction, but often he doesn't. But through it all, I can't emphasize enough the Holy Spirit's guidance.

Trust his leading. If you do have courageous conversations and discussions, here are a few tips. Speak clearly without a lot of emotional baggage, if possible. Don't use character assassination. Say I felt rather than you did this. Call out the action, but always honor the person. Don't assume wrong intentions and ask questions that don't attack. Repeat back what you think you hear to make sure you understand and listen to the heart behind the words.

And when people feel cared for, they often are willing to work toward resolution. When your appeal fails, when you don't feel heard, when you're misunderstood, understand that God can work in any situation. Your job is to trust him. Another thing you can do is pray that God will put someone else in his path to speak words in a way that he can hear. Sometimes another man speaking can hold more weight than yourself. Now the fun stuff. A wise woman builds her house.

One of the biggest qualities of the wife of noble character is a woman at peace. When strife and hormones and gossip and sleeplessness happen, she's able to be peaceful because she knows God is for her and he's got something good up his sleeve. As she ages, she knows that her strength and outward beauty may be waning, but it doesn't cause her to curl up in a ball of depression or feel worthless. She can actually laugh at the days to come.

And this feels to me like just such a carefree spirit, and I want to learn how to do that better. This is a person who's at peace with her circumstances and her God. A challenge for older women. I have the most beautiful examples of older women ministering. And my grandmother, my aunt, even my mother, you are nevertheless, you are so needed. Go for a walk with a lonely woman. Offer to pray for a needy soul, bake some bread for somebody, take someone grocery shopping or out to eat.

A person that's at peace is going to be outward focused. So a wise woman is trustworthy and kind, and the heart of her husband safely trusts in her. Proverbs 31:11. She brings him good and not evil all the days of her life. Trustworthiness stems from character and is revealed by actions. Does your husband trust you to have his back?

A man can find it pretty hard to be effective away from home if he's worried what his wife is saying to others, being harsh with the children, sharing prayer requests, spending carelessly. A man's honor is a pretty big deal to him. He doesn't want a wife who will shame him, but a woman who is full of wisdom and someone he can be proud of. We love good emotional connection and sharing as women, but even in this, be careful and be wise. It's my prayer, and I don't always have discretion in this.

If we want to be women of high moral character, we don't actually have the luxury of careless speech. Also sharing even with your husband, remember, we have tremendous power for evil or good, and that should instill a godly fear in us. We can slant things in a way that will drag him down or help him to see the good. And there is a drawing power when a woman is kind and gentle and doesn't hold grudges and one who looks for the good.

Even a wayward husband will be drawn by this power, and this power is the light of Christ in you. Okay. A wise woman knows her man. What does he dream of? What triggers him? What does he enjoy? What are his goals? Learn to understand his tendencies, his strengths, his weaknesses. Study him and celebrate his style. Don't try to change him. Embrace who he is. This doesn't mean ignoring sin or things that need work, but refuse to fight against who your husband is.

So a book that I read in the first year of marriage was very helpful for me, created to be his help meat. And I don't espouse everything in that book, but it had a very insightful discussion about three different types of men. And I am going to read them to you and see if you can pick out your husband. He's probably one with a secondary one. Mr. Command. A leader, dominant, not very tolerant, sufficient. Usually will carry a heavy load. Objective. Will correct others without thought. Do more than is required.

Not easily intimate or vulnerable. Willing to take risks. Sees bigger picture. Often comes out on top. High principles. Usually won't take out the trash. His wife needs to earn the right to speak. Needs to be on call at all times. Has a heavier load than most women, but also has it easy because she can trust her husband to lead. In fact, she probably won't be permitted to lead. Mr. Visionary. Can blow things out of proportion and get hung up on non-issues.

Calls for consistency, doctrinal purity, often glowing with animation. Loves confrontation. Needs to communicate with words, music, writing, etc. Seeks out hypocrisy and injustice. Slays dragons. He might purchase an alligator farm in Florida or a ski resort in Colorado. He might not have much money, but he will have a wealth of experience. Tries to change the way humanity behaves or thinks.

His wife needs to be stable and supportive, flexible and blind in one eye, and willing to go with the flow when he presents another wild idea. She should never remind this man of the projects that didn't work. She won't change him. He'll just share his ideas with someone else. Mr. Steady has a gentle strength. Will never put undue pressure on his wife to perform or to hurry. He doesn't invent the light bulb, but he will manage the plant. Faithful till the day he dies, sleeping in the same bed for the last 50 years.

He won't expect his wife to be a servant. His wife will have more free time than other wives. She may be discontent and tempted to run over him because he's slow and cautious. She will need to adjust to his pace. She'll have to be willing to share him because others may take advantage of him. A woman who is discontent and married to Mr. Steady will end up looking like an unthankful shrew while her husband comes out looking like a patient, adoring gentleman. So did you recognize your husband?

And can you thank God for who he is? Mine was fairly easy to pick out. A wise woman builds up emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Emotionally, she communicates honor and admiration. Ephesians 5:33. Let the wife see that she respects, reverences, notices, honors, regards, prefers, venerates, esteems, defers to, praises, admires, and adjusts to him. We've got lots of options there. Did you know that this is a greatest motivator? Even with your sons, I need to work on this one a lot more.

Shame is such a big deal and will shut them down, but admiration is so building and energizing and motivating. So let's build up our husbands. If you know Tommy, he's a big, tall man. You would also know he's very competent in almost anything put before him. Let's just say needy and incapable are barely in his vocabulary. He's a man's man. And yet, to my surprise, I've discovered how very fragile the male ego is and how much he cares about whether I admire him. Treat your husband with great respect. Admire him.

It is a very big deal. A wise woman understands that her husband's need for honor isn't based on his performance, but on his nature and his God-ordained position. A counselor once said, "When a couple is having marriage problems and they come to him, the man will often say, 'My wife has emotional issues and we need to work through these.' That way he can save face, never shame him. Honor begins at home, and remember that with your sons also. Don't be fake about it. That's worse than no admiration.

There is such a plethora of things to admire if we just take the time to look. His honesty, his hard work, his affection, commitment, if nothing else, the way he picks up his sock. If you love a person, you will be able to find things you admire. What about honor for a man who doesn't act honorable? When we honor our head, we're honoring God. So how do you build emotionally is by being easy to love and being fun to be around. The day you stop smiling is the day you stop trying. Proverbs 15:13.

A merry heart does good like a medicine. So be spontaneous and do things just for fun. Be impractical sometimes and learn new things, find things you both enjoy doing. I have a few practical suggestions for building emotionally. And sometimes they just feel like so much effort or the children are going to suffer if I do them. In truth, your children are going to be secure and happy if they see you choosing each other first. Show interest in his work and his projects.

And if you aren't interested, research and learn. And I'm in the process right now of trying to cut down on some other responsibilities so that I can come into his office and clean just so that I can be around him. Find hobbies that you both enjoy and try to implement them. Do what's most important to him around the house. So in Kenya, I lived in a state of overwhelmedness and felt like I couldn't do everything well.

So I asked him once, "Would you prefer to have your clothes ironed?" Because we didn't have dryers to make your shirts look nice. "Would you prefer to have your clothes ironed? Would you prefer to have elaborate meals or a clean house?" And he chose the clean house. So that was at the top of my list. I did that first and then the others as able. Make to-do lists rather than nagging. I'm still working on the to-do list thing.

Set time to discuss issues when it suits him rather than insisting that you need to discuss your issues whenever you feel the need. Fight busyness. Schedule alone time, morning, evening, whenever you can. Just make it work. We try one morning off per month to sync schedules and plan and just talk. Another one that I am really working on is putting aside my agenda to go with him when he asks me to do something. Thank him for the way he provides without comparing with others. Encourage rather than criticize.

Do things the way he prefers, even if there's no right or wrong way. Pray for him rather than talking about him. Focus on his strengths rather than weakness. Never degrade in public. Discuss issues in private. And ask, "Lord, how can I love my husband today like he's never been loved before?" And then brag about him to others. And then I also found this out of the Help Meet book, practical suggestions for days of the week. I tweaked it just a bit. Monday, add something fun to his life for no good reason.

Tuesday, find something you can do to be a help. Wednesday, something that will encourage him. Thursday, something you can freshen up and improve about your appearance. Friday, improve or freshen up or change up something in your house. Saturday, initiate something intimate that will make him feel masculine. And Sunday, plan public response to him that makes him feel honored. So let's move on to building up spiritually.

The biggest investment that a wife can make in her spouse is the investment she makes in her own soul. And likely, the most important characteristic of the wise woman in Proverbs 31 is this phrase, "She fears the Lord." And that it informs every single thing that she does. Choosing to spend time alone with Jesus stands as our greatest privilege and responsibility. It will affect everything we do. Spend time first.

The first minutes of wakefulness set the tone for the whole day, and this fragile time will impact your day. Choose wisely. And we often hear the story of Mary and Martha, and it's probably overused, but the truth is still relevant. Choose that better part. Do you have eyes to see what's most important in your day? And when was the last time you sat quietly and heard Jesus say to you, "Come to me and I'll give you rest"? The secret sauce to life truly is a love relationship with Jesus.

There is nothing that can top this. How am I going to make it happen? Or will I just fit it in as able? I'm the only one that can decide. Pray. Pray together. Pray alone. Pray for your marriage. For years, I used Crystal Yoder's prayer calendar for your husband, children, and yourself. It's a specific prayer for every day of the month, and I will share info at the end if you like. But I'm going to read an example of day 16.

For my husband, that he would be a wise protector shielding his family from the onslaughts of Satan. And for myself, that I wouldn't be possessive of my husband, but give him space, releasing him in my spirit and yielding my rights and expectations, not seeking from him what only Christ can give me. Isn't that a beautiful prayer? She builds up physically. How many of you knew that physical intimacy for a man is on par with emotional intimacy for a woman? It's probably two of the biggest needs.

Quite a few years ago, we stumbled upon this truth by accident. Tommy, unbeknownst to me, was feeling like I just wasn't very interested in physical intimacy, and he decided to try and see how long it would go before I would notice or miss physical intimacy. Guess what I noticed first? The lack of emotional intimacy and connection. And the two are joined at the hip. You can't separate them very well. So it was eye-opening for both of us. Sin destroys intimacy and God redeems it.

And God knew that married couples need a haven, a place of happiness. So he prepared a way that we can enter into a sacred oneness that is for us alone. No one else can infringe. But when a woman uses her sexual power over her husband as a means of control, he's going to feel dirty and embarrassed. Scripture talks about not depriving our husbands. And if you're struggling, be courageous enough to share, but not in the context of controlling physical intimacy. Do this some other time than bedtime.

Make it a matter of prayer. You know, God actually designed and cares about physical intimacy. So ask him to renew a right spirit in you, one that seeks the good of your husband, and actually ask him to give you an insatiable desire. Also, forget performance and go with the flow. There is no one judging you and telling you what this should look like. God gave us this gift for enjoyment. Normally, we feel emotionally connected, then we'll reap for physical connection.

If you choose to think good thoughts about your husband, it's going to be easier to love him physically. You'll both reap the results. If you withhold, you're both going to lose. So there are times when physical issues are truly a hindrance. But even then, I think a kind, honest explanation with future plans is a way of honoring your husband. If you want your husband to treat you like a lady, respect him like a man. And we do make time for things that are important to us. A few questions.

Do you withhold physical intimacy to punish for decisions you don't agree with? Do you communicate his desire is way more than necessary? Do you fall asleep in your children's bed or stay up late working after he's in bed? Do you have time for shopping and children in the house and everything but him? Physical intimacy is a stress reliever for men. It's also a safety. A wise woman understands that fulfilling his needs at home will help to keep his heart there. It doesn't not always, but it definitely will help.

Satan is a master at twisting what God created as good. Do you think he's going to keep his hands out of this one? I think not. God has given men an amazing drive, and what are you going to do about it? You can't compete with silly images on media, but God has given you tools. Men aren't as simple in their desires as we sometimes make them. Why do men sometimes end up leaving their lovely wife for their secretary, who is clearly out of shape and doesn't have much to offer?

It's more about how that woman makes them feel. Do you admire your husband and let him know? You can expend energy on blessing and fulfilling your husband, and nowhere else will he find that depth of fulfillment and encouragement. You are the only one God designed to give him pleasure and honor, and what a privilege. When harnessed in marriage, it becomes such a powerful tool to build your marriage. God's ways really, really do work. Just a few ideas here. Take time for a nice hot shower.

Use your favorite lotion, light candles, buy new underwear. It doesn't have to be expensive. Take naps so you have energy. Makes extra effort to get in gear mentally. If you're thinking about the laundry and the dryer, you're probably going to have a hard time. Take supplements for waning hormones. Great marriages don't happen by accident, and life is not a playground where you can just relax and sort of let things take care of themselves.

Ask yourself, "What am I doing today to get closer to that God-honoring, intimate?" Pay attention to God's blessings and what he has given, and less to what you wish you had. So my heart goes out to those in hurting marriages, and you might have tried everything, read all the books, tried to be a doormat, tried to have courageous conversations, and you can't fix it on your own. It still takes two people to make a healthy marriage.

I've been studying the names of God recently, and I present to you Elroy, the God who sees me. Then Hagar was in the wilderness, unloved, mistreated, and deserted, and she claimed that promise, Elroy, the one who numbers the hairs on your head, the freckles on your nose, counts every single tear. And he knows exactly what you're going through. And it's mind-boggling to me to know that he doesn't miss a single thing. He sees the harsh words that were spoken to us, the neglect, whatever. He sees and he cares.

And when we feel unvalidated, there is a king of the universe validating us. We just need the eyes to see and embrace that. Marriages go through hard times and good times. And remember, he sees. He's invested because it's actually his idea. Elroy, God, you see me. My son is learning to drive, and there's been quite a few fast, tricky movements from the steering wheel. My husband finally told him, "Focus on that spot far ahead, and it will calm your movements." And it's true for us today.

Focus on that spot far ahead where Christ is waiting, and it will calm us and slow down the erratic movements from our flustered little hearts. Let's fix our eyes on Jesus. That's all I have. Thank you. Well, thank you. And God bless you, Margie, for sharing. It was very rich. Yeah. Well, ladies, let's head into the Q&A here. What is burning on your mind as far as comments or questions go? Be very, very nice to hear from some of you.

I have a couple of things that really stood out to me, mostly because of my own journey. But I'll put it out to the audience first if there's something that you'd like to share. So one of the things that I find very fascinating as I listen to you, Margie, is that we find in, I think, all of life, whether in our relationship with Jesus Christ, in the outworking of our faith, or in our marriages, that it takes intention.

It takes spiritual and physical—oh, I can't think of the word right now—but it takes intention, and we have to do things. Practical things need to happen to make this grow. And it's actually exciting because there's something that we can do, and there's something that we need to do. Faith without works is dead. However, there does need to be that very alive relationship with Jesus Christ so that supernatural things can happen as well. And so, yeah, I really, really enjoyed that.

I guess another thing that I enjoyed hearing you say was how surrender allows God's protection. And I really appreciated that thought as well. So I have more things that I could share, but does anyone else have something they'd like to share? Well, so good, Margie. So many of the things just really—yeah, just push the buttons. And I think that it's so sobering to think about your four ways to break your marriage because those four ways are pretty natural.

It's so natural to be quick to assume, to be controlling, and to be critical, and to be discontent. Something I've been thinking about a lot recently is that a happy wife is so important to our husbands. When we're happy, our husbands take responsibility. It doesn't matter what we're happy about. I think that they feel successful when we're happy. And the same goes for when we're unhappy. They take responsibility, whether it involves them or not. When I'm unhappy, my husband feels like a failure.

And so I have been trying harder just to be happy. So thank you so much for sharing, Margie. It was really good. Thank you. One thing along with what Bernice said, you talked about they take responsibility for if you're happy or unhappy. And that goes, say, we're discontented with what they provide, or we're discontented. They take that very personally because it's a sign of them not being able to provide for us. And so, yes, it is so true that, I guess, our feelings toward them are sort of mirrored in our actions.

And to bring those actions under the blood and be careful. Be careful to what we say and how we act, I guess. Yeah, I love those thoughts. There's a question here in the chat. How do you encourage a friend in this who has a very broken marriage where her husband is wayward and abusive emotionally and verbally to her and the children, and she's feeling that he's more hurt by her responses, causing more hurt by her responses? Wow. I would welcome your feedback on that also.

But when there's a wayward husband—so there was a reference in here that I talked about a while ago. I'm not sure where—about the light of Christ in you being a drawing power for them. And I think that your submission, your surrender, your peaceful heart can be a drawing power for him. How do you encourage them? My go-to is God sees you. Trust that Elroy that he sees where you're at and the hard stuff you're dealing with. I am so sorry.

Those relationships are so intense because you deal with your husband every day. He's there. And I am so sorry. I don't know. Yeah, I'm curious if any of you have other practical advice other than continuing to be faithful and, yeah, praying to God for change. Yeah, I liked what you said about honoring. And I think in a situation like this, it can be very hard to find ways to verbally honor them. But there's so much power in that.

And when you can find those little things and start to just be an encouragement and build that up, it can create in them a desire for more of that. And so it pulls them towards you. So I liked how you talked about that. And I think that could be helpful here too. Thank you, Margie. It was very rich and packed with just a wealth of helpful tips. And the unfaithful husband or the wayward one, he's also dealing with his own guilt trip too.

And sometimes he may want to shift that onto the wife and put something on her that is not hers really to bear. It's just because of what he's dealing with. And I think her own clearness of herself before God is so important. And also just honoring him still as her husband. And with God's help, still trusting him in ways that she can trust him. And for him to know that she is still trusting him. And that may be limited too. The Lord will just have to lead through that.

But I just wanted to point out that his guilt could be part of it too. Right. That's actually a very good point. It's going to inform what he does. There's the story that's told about the couple that had a very hard marriage because of the husband's unchristlike life. And one day, there was some interaction where he was ugly to her. She quietly removed herself to the next room and shut the door.

And he in his unchristlike state went over to the closed door because he knew she was a follower of Jesus, expected to hear her praying for him. And as he listened, he heard her begging God to make her a better wife for him. And this had an incredible impact on her husband to hear her praying that prayer. And things don't have to get into this place for us to do this, for us to pray this prayer when there's difficulties in our marriages where we go and get at Jesus' feet and beg him to make us a better wife. Right.

Wow. And that humility that has to be there to pray that prayer, I think, is drawing. Wow. There's another question here. It says, "Thank you for sharing. God has spoken to my life. How can a wife encourage sharing on a spiritual level without leaving the husband feeling guilted?" And I might just add to that too is how you can when you have children as well, and how do you—and if you're struggling with feeling like your husband isn't taking initiative.

So it might be two facets there, like a spiritual level between a husband and wife, and then also with the children. Right. Yeah, I would love to hear what y'all have to say about that. One thing for the children's level, for you to—there are things you can do to honor your husband and lead your children that don't step in his territory. And I actually know of several situations where these women have passive leaders for husbands or poor spiritual leaders, I guess I could put it that way.

And they are raising beautiful, God-respectful children, but the woman is still also honoring her husband in the ways that she can. And I think that it's more damaging to be telling them how they need to improve their act and what they need to be doing. That's more damaging to their children spiritually than it is to see them honoring the children know what's right and what's wrong usually. And now your other question was how to encourage your husband spiritually without—what was the word? Making them feel guilty.

Feeling like your child. Making them feel guilty. Yeah, I would like to hear, does somebody have thoughts on that? It's not something you want to rub in their face or, yeah, or something you could be real public about. Does anybody have thoughts on that? I think of what you shared on prayer and just praying, praying, praying for them. And I think sometimes we underestimate what prayer can do.

And also, I think there's too a part of honest communication of asking questions of him and finding out what are his desires. And what may seem to us like him being passive might not actually be. Yeah. Right. And sometimes maybe their passivity comes about because we have them feel afraid to lead or that if they step out, they're going to do it wrong. That goes along a little bit with one of the points that I had wanted to discuss, and that is what if your husband takes no initiative.

And this could be spiritually or otherwise. And that is that so you can ask them to step up to that, but probably you already have. But if you have stepped into that role that's his and remembering that two wrongs don't make a right, you have got a God-ordained position, and it's not in his shoes. And so whatever you do, don't step up to the plate and pick up his bat. And if you have been doing that and you step away, it is not going to be pretty. There's going to be a hole there.

And I think some men prefer the women leading because it's more comfortable or they won't fail. I don't know why, but sometimes they, yeah, maybe were made to feel that they can't do it right. Even if he prefers you, you cannot absolve him of his role. There might be fireworks. He might lay down on the job. He might retreat, but that's not your position to fill. One thing you can do is let him know you believe in him, you support his leadership, and don't correct him.

And also maybe own your part in what you've been doing for overstepping your authority if you have. And then releasing him, letting him lead. You know what? It's up to you and God. I will support you. And then zip your lips. Yeah. I think when you try to reverse a trend like that, expect it won't go well. I think sometimes there's bonuses and things like that maybe where a husband can't lead well. And you may need to step in for a time.

But I think even in that, you can do it in a way that honors him and tries to find out how he would like you to operate. And it doesn't mean never giving suggestions, but it's like giving a suggestion with an open hand. They can take it or leave it or whatever. I don't know if that was helpful or not. I think your answer was very good. Regarding the sharing, personality can't enter into that. Some men are just more given to sharing. And maybe the expectation might be what you were used to with your dad.

If he was a person that just really shared and then you marry a husband that keeps his thoughts more to himself, well, then that might be hard for you to accept. But I think they will give you a window into their soul whenever they trust you. They just may not do it as openly as what you were used to. So expectation can really enter into that. And our trust level definitely enters in if we can trust them even though we aren't always hearing their deep thoughts. I think that's really good.

And as far as the leading thing, we're there to be a help meet. And so they can lead, but we can ask them like, "How can we help with this?" in a way that honors them. If they are afraid of failure, then when they make small efforts at leading like with family devotions, if they can hear the praise like, "Oh, children, wasn't that just great? Didn't Daddy do a—wasn't that so neat to hear Daddy share that or read that?

And nobody can do it like Daddy," or just in small ways to build him up and encourage him on to the next step. Another question that's here is, what if you are asked to do something that makes you uncomfortable or you don't feel is right? Okay. I am. Of Sarah and Abraham. So twice, I would like to know Sarah's thoughts. So twice, Abraham put her in this spot of basically danger and felt like he was using her to protect himself. And she submitted to that even if it put her in danger of being taken by another man.

She had to feel very vulnerable, I would say, and unprotected. Like, "My husband is a coward. He's choosing to put me in danger to save his own skin." There's also another—and yet she called him Lord. And then also Jeroboam asked his wife to disguise herself as a prophet and ask him about the future of their son. She followed his directives. And once again, God stepped in and showed the prophet what was going on. I think as we follow our God-ordained head, they're not always going to be right.

But I know that those two women did not have to step out of their place. And things turned out beautifully. I'm not saying they're always going to turn out beautifully, but I'm not sure if in scripture we're really given the freedom to step out from under our coven. I think the judgment for lies and deceit or things that make us uncomfortable falls over the person that's ordering it. But I am curious to hear if y'all have other thoughts. What was the greater sin?

Is it to deceive the prophet or to rebel against your husband? I think in the case of Sarah, there was an underlying—her honoring him the entire time. And she submitted. And there was no way that she could have felt cherished or protected when she was going into Abimelech's harem or whatever. But she trusted the Lord through her husband, and then God intervened on her behalf. I think that's a beautiful picture of God seeing what's going on and as he sees our desire to honor and obey our authority.

And I think, yeah, he's seeing and it doesn't go without his notice. Well, now, was there any more questions in the chat box there? Yeah. So here's another question. How can I use my gifts and take initiative around home? You talked a little bit about initiative, but maybe just unpack that a little bit more. How do we as women fill that role? Where can we take initiative and what does that look like? Right. So obviously, God created us to be help meets.

We're not created to be doormats or a puppet that just follows along behind our husband. And I think a wise woman is going to have goals and dreams and gifts. And usually, at least my husband is grateful for any practical knowledge I have. We should be women of courage and faith. And I think pouring yourself into your role as a homemaker is one way, I think, to honor God.

If you have the time and energy, learn new skills, expand your creativity, learn how to make sourdough, learn how to take stains out of the carpet, how to decorate a cake, use colors that complement yourself, whatever, how to make chicken like his mother does. Anyway, I don't think God intended for us to wait around on our husband's directives before moving like we're paralyzed. We are given as gifts to our men, and we're companions and helpers.

And I think we should look ahead and prepare well for our husbands and children as his shirt iron for Sunday. Put thought into what we allow our children to read and will we homeschool? And we know company is coming tomorrow. Are we just going to wait until two hours before and zip around and have everyone in a tizzy, or are we going to be organized and look ahead and, yeah, manage his household well, I guess? And I think that part is covered in being a help meet.

It's not a subpar or a role that means we can't take initiative. Thank you so much for those thoughts. And thank you again, Margie, for sharing. Sure. We will look forward to another talk next month. This talk will be given by Linda Amit. And we would love to have you all back on to hear Linda speak on the battleground of the mind. This will be on September 7th. And I think with that, we are going to ask Margie to pray, and we will close the meeting out for today. So thank you all for joining. Go ahead, Margie.

Could you pray for us? Dear God, thank you so much for the ladies that are on this chat today. Thank you for the marriages you have given them. And God, I know some of them are in super difficult places and places of strain and mourning and stress. And I just ask that through their hurts, they could find you and find a path forward and take comfort in the fact that you see them and you want to direct them and guide them.

And God, I just ask that you would help us to honor the men in our lives and to build them up and to challenge them to go forward and be leaders that we can gladly follow. And I just ask that you would protect our marriages and protect our husbands as they lead out.

Hope our marriages to reflect you and your bride and help them to be marriages where people would look in and say, "Wow, that's got to be God." And I just ask that you would help us to draw men to you through our relationships with our husbands and help us to make our marriages a priority and make our relationship with you, first of all, highest priority and help us to take what we learned and go out and minister to the world and to our husbands and to our families. I just ask these blessings in your name. Amen.

Amen. All right. Well, thank you all so much for joining. We'll see you all later. Thank you. Thank you. Walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work.