"From Fear to Freedom: A Testimony of Grace" Susan Esh

Lesson Transcript

Gott ist die Liebe, lässt mich in ihr, denn Gott ist die Liebe, er liebt auch mich. Drum sag ich noch einmal: Gott ist die Liebe, Gott ist die Liebe, er liebt auch mich. Good afternoon. We are so excited to have you ladies join us for our first Zoom call for Hope for Wondering Amish Ladies today, January 18, 2025. This call will be recorded, and we do request that ladies only listen. After Susan is done, there will be a short question and answer time, and we would welcome any questions.

If you would like, and you are just on the phone call, not the video, there will be a text message that you can send to us, and we can ask for any questions through there. Susan Esch will be sharing her story today. She is a wife, a mother, and a child of God who left the Amish community in 2021. Since then, she has experienced a deep and transformative journey in her relationship with God, finding freedom and grace in her walk of faith.

Alongside her husband, Samuel, who is a dairy farmer, she is raising and training their eight children, ranging in age 14 to 11 months, while embracing a life rooted in God's love and guidance. Hope for Wondering Amish came out of a group of brothers who had a burden to help those who are leaving or have left the Amish community. After leaving the moorings of their past, many end up embracing theological errors such as those influenced by Augustine, Martin Luther, and others.

While we recognize the lack of a vital Christian experience in many Amish communities, we also recognize there are many good values in the culture, and our desire is to help those that leave to successfully sort through what is worth keeping and what should be let go of in order to align oneself with a true historic faith. Our vision is to provide sound biblical material and genuine fellowship for our audience, understanding the Bible through the lens of what Jesus lived and taught.

As sisters, we are united in our desire to grow together, explore questions of faith and life, and encourage one another in our journey to follow Christ in all things. Susan, let's have a word of prayer before we start. Father God, thank you so much for this opportunity that we have to come before your presence. Lord, I pray that you would be with Susan as she just shares the roller coaster her life has been. Lord, I pray that you would just shine forth as the true hero of her story.

Lord, I pray that you would just give her the words to say and be with us as we're listening, Lord, and please open our hearts for what she might have and what she has to share. Lord, I pray that a special blessing on Susan today as she shares. Thank you, Father. In your name we pray. Amen. Okay, Susan. Yes, it is great to be on here, and hopefully we can connect even on Zoom if we don't sit together in a circle, which that is always fun too. Anyway, so I might as well get started.

And yeah, blessings to those who are listening, and I'm thankful for everybody's prayers. So yes, I did grow up Amish, and I would say that it's a privilege that I can say that I was honored to be Amish and that I could have the culture behind me, even if we're not Amish anymore. But yeah, I did grow up in an Amish family, on a dairy farm. I had a very, I would say, a very carefree childhood. Looking back, I do see I have a lot of memories of growing up.

Of course, it was still chaos and stuff going on, but I'm truly blessed to be able to honor my parents and to share this with you, that it was a privilege of the way I grew up. And I would bless everybody that did grow up Amish and not just leave the culture behind anyway.

So coming into my teen years, I ran into a lot of difficulties with my health problems and just, yeah, just faced a lot of trauma in my health problems and sometimes not knowing what's wrong and sometimes struggling to not be able to do what I felt like I should be able to do as a teen year girl. It was especially from 16 to 18 that I really dealt with a lot. One thing that I look back that I probably didn't notice at the time or even realize what was going on, I would say it was a dark time in my life.

I dealt with a lot of fear. Even if I do look back, I see that God was working in my heart, and I did not know why or what was going on. My parents did not know how to help me on. I do say that I never really saw my parents read their Bible. We did the prayer out of the prayer book in German, but that was something I did not understand. So yeah, it was just that was a really hard journey for me. So I did once end up in the hospital. Everything was, I would say, I had a cyst on my ovary, so I did have a lot of pain.

But my mom did choose to get an actual way instead of doing birth control, what they had told me that I should be doing or should take for my pain. But we did get an actual way, and I did get healing for that, and I'm very thankful for that my mom did choose the natural way, even if it was like a hard road for me. And the fear that I dealt with was, yeah, I didn't really—I did share some with my mom, but a lot I did just keep to myself because it sometimes felt like mom did not understand what I was going through.

So I would say I bottled up a lot of stuff and kept it to myself because it just felt like nobody really understood what I'm going through. And if I talked to them and it was like, "You're okay, it's nothing, it's nothing to worry about." But I do feel, looking back, that God was doing something, and no, I didn't have anybody to point me to the right direction.

But I do still feel like my parents did what they knew best in their knowledge of bringing up their family, teaching them what was right and what was wrong, even if it wasn't like Bible-based. But yeah, I do still give them credit for they did what they knew was in their best of knowledge. So yeah. So then at the age of 18, I got sprinkled into the Amish church, what we would call baptized. And I did that because it was an honor to my parents, and it was what you did.

Even though it was hard for me because I did not understand the German, so it was just going through the motions, not understanding. But it did make me look, and I did feel like a good girl because I obeyed my parents. I obeyed what the Amish church does. You get baptized, and you follow all the rules and stuff. So yeah, that was a journey for me. My youth years were, I had good friends. I had a lot of—I have a lot of good memories, but I do have some not so good memories. But yeah. I got married at 20.

I married a farmer from Dauphin County, so I moved an hour and a half from my parents, which that was a big adjustment for me, leaving all my family and moving to this very new place that I was not used to. But we got married, and we had a busy, busy life, overwhelmingly busy. And I did struggle every time I got pregnant. And so that was a very stressful, heavy load for both of us because it was drilled into us. You have to make a girl, you have to make it work, and you have to make money, and you work for it.

And yeah, that was a very stressful time for me and my husband. But God was very good to us. He was. So over that time, my health did decline because of my pregnancies. It was not easy. That was always something that was very hard. My pregnancies was always a very hard journey for me. But my husband was—he did what he knew, and he was on a spiritual journey for a lot. He did.

So one thing that I really struggled with him over that time was that he would get up in the morning and sit down and read his Bible for an hour and not make his work top priority because it just—for me, the Bible didn't speak to me. At that point, I did not read my Bible, but I did because my husband said, "That's what you do." So that's what I did. But over that was a journey for me to—my husband was on a spiritual journey. So he was getting—he was getting words from God and from reading the Bible.

And so he was searching. So along that search, we did visit other communities. We went to Michigan a couple of times, and that was a really, really big blessing to us. They taught us a lot. They taught us to pray without a prayer book. And that was a huge blessing. That was really, really good to get our children to pray in their own words, which was really huge to us because we did do the prayer book, but it was at the point it did not mean anything. It was just from doing it because that's what we were taught.

So spending time in Michigan a couple of weekends was a huge step in our spiritual journey just to see that they teach the Bible. You really share. And so after those couple of experiences, being in Michigan, seeing their walk with Jesus inspired me to come home and search for my own. So that was a big part for me to start reading my Bible, studying, and yeah, just letting the Bible speak to my heart, I guess I would say. So then it would be fast forward to November of 2020. I was 24 weeks pregnant.

And I always, just as I had said earlier, I always struggled with my pregnancy. And having contractions was one of my biggest things that I struggled with. So I did take a lot—I had to take care a lot every time I was pregnant. So this was number six. And so I kind of got used to having these contractions, but if I would sit down, I would rest. They would disappear. But this one was different. They continued to get stronger instead.

So after praying about it and having our midwife check it out, we did find out that I was leaking amniotic fluid. So my midwife did say, "We have to go to the hospital. This is a big risk." And I know it is. It is a big risk if that happens. But we did choose to stay at home. We know what's going to happen. They would monitor the baby. And a couple of weeks, I would have this tiny baby, and it would give a lot of running back and forth to the hospital.

And so we chose to stay at home in the midst of being busy and, yeah, having children and stuff. So at that point, we had five. We had two in school. The community stepped in. So we did end up getting a hospital bed and a wheelchair because getting around was getting very difficult because every time I get up, I would have more contractions even just going to the bathroom. So we ended up getting a hospital bed, which that was a huge blessing to have that. And we did get another midwife.

So she was supportive of our decision, which that was really, really a big blessing to us. So she checked on us every week. And yeah, she walked side by us that long, dark winter of us struggling, a lot of fear. And yeah, it was just really hard. So yeah, in midwinter, it was just, yeah, it was a long, hard. I would say I dealt with a lot of fear, depression. Yeah, it just didn't—I just didn't know what to make of it because it seemed like we prayed every day. We asked God to protect us. He did protect us.

We asked for healing, but it just didn't happen. Yeah, it was just hard for me to go through that praying and not seeing any changes day after day and just being in the same situation just week after week and months. And so yeah, that was really hard. So every morning, Samuel would head—he got up, and he would pray over me. He would put his hand on my belly, and he just prayed for me and protection over the baby, which was a big blessing to me. So yeah, that continued all winter long.

And yeah, January, that would be the beginning of 2020. Counting weeks was—yeah, it just seemed impossible that we're going to even get close to my due date. We just prayed. We tried everything to our wit's end. Just didn't seem to find any answers to what to do next, I guess, was the decision. So at week 35, that would have been late January, it was just getting harder and harder for me to go to the bathroom. The contractions got stronger. It just looked really unbreathable and impossible.

And we just wondered how much longer we're going to be able to do this on our own. We did have family and community rally around us. They did bring in meals. They did our cleaning. They did a lot. And it meant a lot to me and to the rest of the family that came in. But I do still say that there were just a couple that actually cared deep enough to talk spiritually with me, which that was a blessing. I still treasure those moments of having some come in and talk not just the surface level, but went actually deeper.

So then Monday on the 20th, to get—they don't at this point anymore—the Sunlight Club, I know some probably are familiar with it. It's from what Joe Kline put together. And I think it was that day or maybe the day before. And it was just laying on the floor. And Samuel picked it up, and it was on repentance. And he just kind of started—he just went off on how the Amish do not teach on repentance, even though you get baptized and if you live a good life and do what you're supposed to, you're a good person.

So he kind of went off on that road. And I really pushed back at one point in the beginning. And soon I just did see myself as like I never did before, a very sinful person. I truly saw myself who I am, that it's no way that I'm going to make it to heaven without surrendering to God. So at that point, I was in tears, and I just cried. And at that moment, I did feel—and I felt clean. I knew that God forgave me for all my sins in the past.

And yeah, it was—I just, yeah, I just saw myself as a sinner for the first time after just years after years just thinking I'm a good person and always well. So yeah, God truly did a work in my heart at that point. And we went to bed. It was, of course, in the wee hours of the morning. I did sleep well that night, and it was such a blessing. So yeah, but Tuesday, January the 21st, I was a very tired week. I think I was a little bit disappointed that I'm not able to get up and do my stuff.

So yeah, it was one thing that I really, I guess, came to a point where I feared to go to bed because I knew it's just going to be a lot of pain. So by Tuesday evening, it was really hard. I knew it's just going to be a lot of pain. So Tuesday, January—did I say January? January 21st, that night was very painful, tossing and turning just like many, many other nights that I experienced. And yeah, just continued. It just seemed like the pain was at the point that we didn't know what to do.

So Wednesday, January 20th, 22nd, yeah, January 22nd, I woke up. I was even weaker. I had more pain. One of my very good friends came—they're also a minister or a minister still in the Amish church. She came. I couldn't even hold a conversation with her. I was teary-eyed. I was red in the face because I was just crying a lot. So she went home. She was really, really worried and concerned about me. And Samuel was praying.

Maybe he wasn't really praying, but Samuel clearly saw this is a spiritual battle that we're fighting at this point. And he prayed about it. And he talked to me about it, prayed together about it. We fast. Even though at that point, I was 36 weeks of pregnancy, I wouldn't recommend fasting at that point, but I was not able to eat anyway. So that's just what we did. So we prayed about it.

And I gave my okay to have the Amish ministers come anoint me with oil that Samuel's dad would be the bishop, and they just live across the yard from us. So he went to talk with dad, and he gave his okay. He contacted the other ministers. So the rest of the day, we fast. We prayed. I just cried a lot that day. It was a very hard day for me. So at 6:30, they came. They anointed me. Yeah, all the time that they were here, I just cried. It was just, yeah, I couldn't even control myself. I was blessed.

The minister wife embraced me and cried with me. But we still were in a way disappointed. They did it all in German. I really didn't understand anything. Samuel did ask dad if he could quote it in English. And he was like, "No, we do it in German." That Samuel, you can recite it to me in English after they leave.

But what I really want to point out in that situation was how much I appreciated that they were willing to step out of their comfort zone and come and anoint me, even if it would have been what they would normally do. So after that, we had—we were at that point where we had connected with a Holiness couple that they ministered to us a lot. They were having a Bible study here in the area. We have connected. So they came over around 10 o'clock, and they prayed with us. We held hands. We prayed. We cried.

And yeah, it was a really blessed time. It was just a breeze of fresh air to have them come and pray over me like that. Yeah. So that night, no, maybe I should back up a little bit. So after Charles and Elaine, the Holiness couple, have left, Samuel had asked if ever there were demonic forces or occult practices done over my body or prayed in. And I did say yes. So we prayed about it. When I was three years old, I had scarlet fever, and I was in really bad shape.

So mom took me to this doctor that did occult practices. So we prayed against that. And I felt like I did get freedom after that. So we went to bed, and we slept well. We did. So Thursday, January the 22nd, it didn't seem possible that I could even be weaker, but I was at the point that we weren't sure what we would be doing or what the next step is. But Samuel did go. He did milk the cows. So it was around noon till he finally came into the house.

Yeah, it was just a hard struggle for him to get the chores done and to take care of everything. So he came in, and I was at the point that I couldn't even talk to him. I couldn't communicate to him, like talking to him. So that really had—that was really scary for him, especially. I kind of was in it. I didn't think about it that much. So he prayed. He asked me to repeat after him. At that point, I wasn't even able to repeat after him. So he just prayed quietly.

I don't remember really if I did or not, but for like 5 or 10 minutes, he just prayed quietly over me. And then after that, he asked me to repeat. It was a very, very simple prayer. I don't have the words for it or nothing. But after that, stuff changed. I sat up, and we talked. And Sunil was like, "Are you hungry?" And I was like, "Yes, I'm hungry." So he warmed up some soup, and I ate it. And for the first time, it actually—food actually tastes well after weeks of forcing myself to eat because I had to. So yeah.

So yeah, that was when I would say the light went off. The evil spirits left, which we kind of felt—I was being oppressed by him. The devil was seeing what was happening. And he was in his very, very best effort. He was still doing everything in his power he could to not leave me till we—till after that prayer, everything changed. I sat up, and I was—yeah, I was totally a new person. It was amazing. If I look back, I'm just amazed how everything after that prayer, everything just changed.

So we ate, we talked, and we joyced for hours afterwards. It was just Samuel and I. Yeah, it was just a very special moment for us, the both of us. So later that evening, Elaine, the Holiness couple, she stopped in, and she couldn't believe it didn't seem to her like I was the same person in this bed anymore. So yeah, we just had a lot of rejoicing to do that there, even though it didn't happen as fast as we thought it would. But God was doing His work.

Then Friday, that would have been January the 23rd, I actually got out of bed, believe it or not. But yeah, God saved me, and at the same time, He healed me. So after that, I was not leaking amniotic fluid anymore, which is amazing. But yeah, God does—at this time and age, He still does healing like that. And I'm very, very grateful. So Fridays, I got out of bed. I cleaned my house. I put my wheelchair away, which was amazing.

After months of using a wheelchair, I was able to walk back and forth and not having contractions anymore. I was still having some, but not to the intensity that I knew that I had to sit on a chair. So yeah, I just want to focus on what God, in His mercy and His healing, He did for me over that time. And people coming in and were like, "You're out of bed." It was just amazing. They just saw me as a different person. I know I had spark in my eyes. I could smell.

But at that point, I still didn't really share with other people when they came because it was—yeah, it was new to me. And yeah, I wasn't sure. But that Sunday, still kind of took us for a roller coaster ride. I did end up having a lot of contractions. Our son, Melvin, he would—I can't even think what age he would have been then. Yeah, he would have been 10. He came down with this nasty stomachache pains. I mean, just a lot of pain. He cried, and he just rolled the floor with pain.

And we just couldn't understand what's going on. So I started having contractions again, a lot. We had Samuel's dad come over. We prayed for Melvin. So I did end up going to the hospital later that evening. But it was just another false alarm, which was very, very hard for the both of us, spending all night in the hospital and still coming home. And yeah, just weary. My body was really weary of the pain that I was dealing with.

But yeah, from Melvin to this day, we still really don't know what was wrong, but we still feel it was probably a spiritual battle that we were still fighting at that point. So that would have been Thursdays when I got healed, and then that would have been Sundays. So yeah, we still feel it was a spiritual battle that we were fighting at that point. So then a year, 15 months later, we had a—well, I guess Ruthanne was six months old when I got pregnant again. So that was a hard journey for me too.

I feel like we did fight a spiritual battle in the beginning of the pregnancy, but we were able to pray over it and into it, and that did do this. Now, so there were 15 months apart, but those are just a truly miracle. Two babies that I would say were a truly miracle and doing them now and how they bond together. So after June of 2021, we did not go back to the Amish church. After Micah was born in June of 2021, we did not go back to the Amish church.

That was a hard step for us, especially with Samuel's parents right next door. He was the bishop in the Amish church. He had to communicate us. They were very nice to us. They did not force us. At one point, we weren't sure how should I say it. We knew we were going to be leaving, but they kind of pushed us out. Then in late August of 2021, we both got baptized again. So then the bishop or dad's found out, and that kind of kicked us out. So they kind of put us out because we thought we'd baptized again.

So that was a journey for me too. But I would highly recommend anybody getting baptized again if you were just sprinkled into the Amish church because I did experience freedom and not being bound to all their rules and the way you dress. So then in September of 2021, I got excommunicated. Samuel did before me. So yeah, that was a hard journey. And it still is, but it's a blessing to be able to worship freely and to have a brotherhood. So yeah, I think that is about it.

But yeah, I just wanted to share, and hopefully, the people are blessed because if I do look back, I see God was with us, even if we sometimes felt like nobody is walking with us. Nobody knows what we're going through. So yeah, I'm going to read this Bible verse yet. One that meant a lot to me to this day. I did some journaling over when I was on bed rest, which was a blessing to me, and now still is reading that again. So I'm going to read this Bible verse that was taped to the end of my bed for months.

"Be merciful unto me, O God. Be merciful unto me, for my soul trusts in Thee. Yeah, in the shadow of Thy wings I will make my refuge until these calamities be overpassed." That's Psalm 51:11. So at first, I did not like that verse. I just couldn't find any comfort in it. But when I did have my new birth experience and I found healing, that Bible verse was everything to me. So yeah. Yeah, blessings to you all. And I'll hand it over to Autumn or you, Selene, my guest, for questions and answers.

Well, thank you so much for sharing, Susan. I greatly appreciate it. And you're sharing your testimony and just all your struggles have really brought it to home and really helped me too. I have a quick question. I know that you had struggled with health since you were young. Did you have a—after your last pregnancy, did you still have some issues? And how were those maybe different from your—like when you were pregnant with your daughter, with all those struggles? Did you feel God's presence more? Yes, I did.

So I should maybe even—I would say instead of my health declining after Ruthanne was born, which was a hard struggle for me, it took a little bit more for me to get over, to get my strength back and stuff, which that's kind of—I should have thought about it, but I was just like, "I'm healed now. I should be able to get." But I feel like with the last two, my body—I just feel like I feel better now than I did for years since my childhood, growing up. I always had this health, but I feel amazing.

And it's truly a work of God, the way my body is. The last two, especially with Elisha, our 11-month-old, I had a really good pregnancy with him. I still struggled with a lot of contractions till the end where I was very—it really got weary on me. But I had a fast labor. And after his birth, I just bounced back out. Yeah, it's truly amazing how God did work and did bring more than just physical, but He did spiritually and mentally healing to my body as well. So yeah, I'm very grateful for that. Great.

And just a reminder, any ladies that are maybe calling in and don't have the visual, just the audio, you can send questions through the text message, and then we can get those and ask Susan them as well. Okay, I'm back. And this is Elisha. Say hi. You were crying. And here's Ruthanne. I wanted her to say hi. This is my miracle baby, the one that I was on bed rest with. So it's truly a miracle. So hi to us, to Autumn. So hi. So yeah, she's almost five, so yes. We did have a question come through. Sure.

We did have a question come through. Someone asks, "What would be your biggest encouragement for someone going through similar experiences with health?" And I can't read all of it. I guess she's probably talking about pregnancies or—I believe so. It seems like she didn't quite—oh, okay. And other spiritual struggles. Okay. So that's a hard one. For me, I guess the healing that I experienced, I would say, was a lot for me. And I do feel like after I did get my healing, everything kind of worked itself out. Yeah.

So yeah, that's a hard question because I dealt with a lot of health issues over the years. So yeah, I'm not exactly sure how to correctly answer or what she's actually referring to. But I would say her to keep asking for healing, I guess, because God does heal, and He does care for young mamas that have families and, yeah, even have sisters pray over her. I would encourage that, yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing, Susan. It was a blessing.

Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, to hear your testimony again. The first time I heard just a little bit of it, it just was amazing to hear how God can still work and is so powerful. And yeah, we can trust Him. And I really also really appreciate how you brought out the good in the Amish whenever you didn't feel like they had the answers for you, but you appreciated how they still cared and did something that they might have felt uncomfortable with.

And I think it's always good to remember that even though someone didn't maybe do exactly what we wanted them to, to know that they were doing the best they could and to still appreciate it. I think that's a wonderful testimony to find that. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that was one point that I really wanted to—that would stand out to people that I don't—or my culture where just because they did not do what we thought they should, but that I can actually value my culture.

I can see the many times that—and appreciate for what it was. Yeah. I do appreciate the Amish culture, even though I know they're lacking in some places. But yeah, I still do appreciate that culture, the community, the way they work together when there's weddings, funerals, just a whole nine yards. They just work together. They're very good with community. And that's one thing that I—yeah, that I miss. But yeah, I'd say they're very intentional about community, and that's a blessing. Okay.

Someone did say, "Thank you for sharing your story. Praise God for healing both spiritually and physically." Yes. Amen. Okay. Mary just commented. She said, "Sorry. I just can't get it to unmute." I just wanted to say a big thank you to Susan. It was very encouraging to me. Thank you, Mary. Okay. Well, it doesn't look that there's anyone else trying to comment or send a chat. So I will go ahead and close this in prayer. We will keep you ladies updated for future Zoom calls. So please look forward to those.

And it will be—I think we want to try for maybe four this year. So this was the first one. So it'll be a couple of months yet. But just look forward to our comments. And you are able to email us on hopeforewanderingamish.com. And there is a sisters page. And you can connect with us if you have any questions or comments, or you would just like someone to pray with you, please reach out to us. Again, that's hopeforewanderingamish.com.

And there is a sisters page that you can click on for some more information and such. I will go ahead and close this in prayer. Once again, thank you so much, Susan, for sharing. May God bless you. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks for reaching out. It was a blessing, even though it was very beyond my comfort zone. But I feel really blessed to be able to share. So hopefully, others are blessed as well. So thank you. I'll go ahead and close this in prayer. Yeah, sure.

Father God, thank you so much for this opportunity that we've had to come together, Lord, as servants of You, Lord, and just listen to Susan, share her testimony of the wonderful work that You've done in her life and are continuing to do, Lord. I pray that You would just continue to give her healing both spiritually and physically, Lord. And we thank You for the healing You've already blessed her with, Lord.

I pray that her story and her testimony will reach others, Lord, throughout the years, whomever may come into contact with her or view this, Lord. I pray that You just have Your hand on each of them, Lord. I pray that You just be with us throughout the rest of this day, Lord, and just help those who are struggling, Lord. Just let them know that You are there. You're just a prayer away. I pray that You would just bless each one of these ladies. In Your name, we pray. Amen. Thank you so much, ladies.

And we'll look forward to the next time. Gott ist die Liebe, lässt mich in der Sinn. Gott ist die Liebe, er liebt auch mich. Drum sag ich noch einmal: Gott ist die Liebe. Gott ist die Liebe, er liebt auch mich.