Healthy Responses to Those Suffering Among Us - Michael Hochstetler

One of the things I think is so important is it really is okay to just be whatever your role is, to just be that. And so if you're a friend to someone who has a trauma history, you don't have to be their counselor. You don't have to be their pastor. You don't have to be their life coach. It's okay to just be their friend.

This is great. I'm really glad you could make this work, Michael. Yeah, I am too. I'm really glad. It's been a minute. So, uh, we had interviewed you, uh, wow, it's been probably four years, five years ago. I believe it was during the height of COVID or something. Oh my. Okay. So, which was, uh, quite the time. Um, yeah. So, Michael, you work as a counselor and you do, uh, some teaching and things on a variety of topics, but one specifically I want to dive in today. And this is, you know, a more heavy and maybe not the typical thing we cover on this podcast, but that is the topic of trauma.

And to be honest, I don't know much about it. Um, I, you know, you, you hear things, you bump into some things, and I think it's pretty easy to build in, in the mind of like, oh, I, I kind of think it's like this. And I'm, I'm guessing that I probably don't have that quite right. So I'd love to hear from you on just some basics and what we can learn and how that applies to, to us, to the audience, anybody who listens to this. Um, so I guess just to start it off, let's, let's start with the basics. And what is trauma? Mm-hmm.

There's a lot of ways you can define trauma. Um, I think about emotional wounding. So if you think about the difference between pain and wounding, so in terms of the physical body, we experience pain all the time that isn't necessarily wounding. A wound not only hurts, but is a lasting source of hurt that limits our ability to function in some way. So if I have a laceration on my arm, it's harder to use my arm. It limits what I can do with it, and it continues to hurt. So in some ways, trauma is that way. It's not simply pain that a person has experienced, but it's an ongoing source of pain.

Um, so overwhelming, distressing, in some cases, terrifying events that occur to people that continue to be a source of wounding, ongoing. And is that one of the challenges when it comes to things like trauma is someone looking on from the outside says, oh, well, that happened to you like a long time ago. Why is this still an issue? Yes. Yes, very much so. Or the individual themselves.

Yeah. I hear that a lot from people that I work with. Why am I still struggling with this? Why does this still affect me? Yeah. And I'm not really not sure where the idea of a timetable comes from, but for some reason we have this idea that you should be over it by a certain point. Um, but it's not that way. And trauma can last for a lifetime, potentially, if there isn't healing. Mm-hmm. I guess the, the part about this is it's pretty easy to make assumptions. And, um, again, with something like trauma, it's not like, oh, someone loses their arm in an accident. It's very obvious that, hey, you know, that happened, you know, they have this limitation.

They have one arm. Yeah. Uh, with trauma, it's not really the case, I guess. And again, this I'm, this is not my field. I, I feel like I have so much to learn here. This is, I'm sure, is quite complicated. And what I hear you saying is a person can be traumatized and we wouldn't necessarily know it, or we might not credit the impact of their trauma on them because it's not something visible. Like losing an arm is that kind of what you're saying? Mm-hmm. Because you could look at that and be like, oh, I can, I can easily see that. Whereas someone may have went through something horrible and you can't really tell from just looking at them.

That's necessarily. Yeah. Yeah. That, so this is true on, on many levels. So one way that this is true, the impact on a person isn't always obvious. Now, sometimes it is if a person engages in some kind of destructive behavior that involves other people. Obviously, not all traumatized individuals do that.

Mm-hmm. Um, or if a person's symptoms are visible, um, or obvious to other people. But a lot of people experience their symptoms in private, Mm-hmm, or simply inside of themselves. So we like to talk about the difference between acting in and acting out. Acting out is a more familiar language. You act out the distress that's on the inside through drinking or getting into arguments or, or cutting or whatever it might be. And again, not all traumatized people do things like that. Just, but I'm just to, to define the terms.

But people also act in, which means they work out their distress internally. So that might be through worry or through negative thoughts about themselves or maybe poor health. Maybe the body absorbs the impact of it. So what I'm saying with that is a lot of people are traumatized and you wouldn't know it. Just to observe them, it might just look like a quiet person. And that's what's so sad is these people are really hurting very badly on the inside and people don't know it. Mm-hmm. And they're not necessarily going to talk about it. That is so hard to talk about. Mm-hmm.

And that transitions a little bit into another question I had too. Um, it seems like there's often a stigma around the topic of trauma, which feels like we just kind of reinforce some of the things you were just saying, right? Mm-hmm. Um, it's easy to just, oh, we'll just ignore that or we'll kind of sweep that under the rug or, um, so forth. Uh, why is that? And then how can we find some healthier responses to these things?

Yeah, that's a really good question. So in the context of our Anabaptist communities, that might be a good thing for me to mention, by the way, in passing, those are mostly the people I work with is people from fairly conservative Anabaptist communities. So that's my context here for this issue. Um, so we tend to be in many ways a very stoic people. We often have a horror of self-pity, of blame shifting and victimization, which goodness knows there's plenty of that to go around in this world. And, and, and it's certainly a good thing to stay away from.

But many of our people tend to be very sensitive to those things. So I've heard it over and over and over from clients. I don't want to be that person. It's hard to engage the counseling process in some ways because it means talking about your pain. It means receiving empathy. It means telling your story. But many people are very hesitant to talk about their pain. It's one thing if it's somebody else's pain, but if I talk about my pain, that means I'm making a big deal about me and about my suffering. I think there's just something really deep in our culture that we are very reluctant to express ourselves too much. And maybe that's too much of a generalization, but I think that there are things in our culture that make it difficult for us to credit suffering too much when it's our own suffering, but maybe even when it's other people's suffering.

Um, so there are some unique challenges that I think we have with our subculture, um, just around struggle in general, suffering in general, um, emotional struggle, mental suffering. Um, sometimes we view it as weakness. Um, that's a construction that people often put on their pain or their trauma. So again, the issue of how long it takes to get over it. If, if it takes me, if 20 years later I'm still impacted by, let's say, sexual abuse, well, that means that I'm weak, for example.

Mm-hmm. So I think we really ought to be reflective about our beliefs about suffering, our beliefs about struggle, our beliefs about emotions. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I think one of the things that bothers me a bit is people that may have went through some of these experiences, there's that tape running in the head of, oh, it's, it's, this shouldn't be a big deal. I should get over this. It's no big, you know. And so then maybe they're less likely to get help or something. Again, I'm speaking generalizations because I don't have the experience here. And maybe this, I guess I should frame this more like a question. Um, but then maybe they have tried to reach out, you know, and they get shut down or again, back to that stigma thing.

It was like, come on, that happened to you, like, you know, like eight years ago or whatever. And like, you know, you should be past that by now. I mean, I've, I've heard comments like that made, you know, multiple times towards someone who maybe went through something that was difficult. And they're like, what, what that was like years ago. What's, what's the big deal? You know? And, um, so again, coming back to that stigma, I'm not really sure if that's even really a question or an observation. I'd be curious how you would, you know, if you have a response to that. Yeah. I mean, we certainly hear lots of stories like that. Here, here's a common response.

And I think it comes from a good place, a very well-intentioned place. But many times we try to be encouraging by pointing out the positive. Um, you know, this comes up in the context of loss, for example. Well, you still have three other children or, or, or she's in heaven or, or whatever. And man, I mean, God bless people for trying to be encouraging, right? I mean, you can, you can really, I think we need to credit people's heart and people's intentions, but many times our attempts to be encouraging or positive just have the impact of, of invalidating people's feelings. One of the things I just think is so helpful to appreciate is that yes, people need to be encouraged.

They need to be lifted up, but they also need to be validated. And many times people find it much easier to feel better and have a positive outlook on life when their distressed feelings have been validated. Mm-hmm. When somebody says, I get it, I get what you're going through. Now, I know you can go too far with that. Mm-hmm. Um, I mean, we in the counseling world try not to just wallow in negativity and, you know, but I think so many people who are trying to help other, you know, friends or, or family or whoever, their attempts to be encouraging end up being unintentionally invalidating. And you know, that's not what, that's not what any of us need, whether we have a trauma history or otherwise.

Mm-hmm. So back to, okay, so we have stigmas, right? That surround this. And then what are maybe some healthier ways we could respond? Um, I'm going to use a, just a, a minor example and I'm curious to hear what you think of this. I had an interaction with, um, someone who had went through some very difficult things, uh, on the mission field and had come back and didn't really know what to do with that. And yeah, just it was a challenge. And it'd been years before. And then that person started working with a totally separate group of people that had also done some mission work that was very similar and went through a very similar thing.

And that was a very healing process for that person. And it wasn't, wasn't like a structured thing. It wasn't like, ooh, this is our project person that we're going to all help. You know, it wasn't that at all. But it was really neat actually to see that person just kind of, kind of open up and start blossoming again. Um, is there power in that? Yeah. Like these weren't even people that really knew each other that deeply. It was just through osmosis, I guess. Um, be curious how, yeah, some feedback on that. Like I'm just kind of looking for what are some healthy ways that we can engage with people that have this. I love it.

I love that story. Um, and I'm just thinking if somebody had come along and said, oh, you had traumatizing experiences on the mission field, let's fix you. Let's tell you what you need to do here. And, and probably it would have been a very different experience. Yeah. Um, yeah. Obviously there's a place for being intentional, of course, but one of the things I hear in that story is the power of shared experience, the power of relating to other people who have had similar experiences or similar stories. And that is so helpful for trauma, for addiction, for mental health. Is it, it's kind of this, um, it can help that person feel, I, I'm not the only person in the whole world that's had this.

You know? Yeah. Very much so. Because I think that's the one thing like, yeah, no, you, you, you're not the only person in the world that's had that experience, right? I mean, there, you know, totally. Um, and that was definitely the sense I got from this person and, and to watch that process. You know, like, oh wow, I'm, I'm not the only one who, who went through this and really struggled in this way or whatever. And it's one thing to just know that. I mean, most of us, I think this is generally too, we know notionally all of these different things, at least a lot of them, a lot of the most life-giving things, we know them, but to have the experience of relating to someone who has been through the same thing or hearing their story.

And actually have a group around you in real life that you can interact with. Yeah. Right. Versus knowing that those people are out there in some kind of, yeah, I mean, maybe they're, they're somewhere. I, yeah. Is this something that when we're looking at going through that, something that say was traumatic, the healing process is not necessarily in isolation, like that you, you, we keep coming back to other people in the process, Mm-hmm. Um, being part of, of, um, a more healthy response versus some of the stigmas. Mm-hmm. Where does, I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sure there's listeners hearing this saying, oh yeah, like I, I know someone who went through that, that, that was a really, that was really tough.

And I think they're struggling and they're thinking, well, what, what can I do to help? It seems like we keep coming around to other people being involved in some way or another. What are, what are ways that people listening to this are like, hey, I, I could, I could be of help or I, I don't even know how to frame that because each situation is different, you know? Yeah, that's, that's, that's true. Um, so knowing your role and staying in your lane, I think is pretty important. So it makes so much difference. Are you a pastor? Is it a close family member? Is it, is it, um, the next door neighbor? Are you a mentor to this person?

Um, one of the things I think is so important is it really is okay to just be whatever your role is, to just be that. And so if you're a friend to someone who has a trauma history, you don't have to be their counselor. You don't have to be their pastor. You don't have to be their life coach. It's okay to just be their friend, even if they continue struggling, right? I think it could be easy to feel like me being a friend of this person, supporting this person, being available for them. What good is this if they're not getting better? Hmm. And so I need to do more and get more involved. But one of the things I think we see a lot from a counseling perspective is loved ones or, or mentors who become over-involved in unhealthy ways.

Now, I hesitate to make too much of that because we want people to be more involved. We want more community. We want more help and support for, for any number of struggles. But the wrong kind of involvement often is counterproductive. And I think what happens is when a friend stops being a friend because they're anxious about the suffering and they want to fix it. Hmm. Um, it's okay to just be a friend. It's okay to just be supportive and point them to other additional resources, you know, stay in your lane. Um, that partially answers your question. Um, that's, I think that, yeah, that's really good though.

And also I'm getting a sense, um, from you that you wouldn't want to treat this as, oh, okay, this is, this is the project person I'm working on, you know, I'm trying to fix this or exactly. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. Um, it's hard to, it's hard to, man, I want to choose my words carefully. It's hard to tolerate another person's suffering. When I say tolerate, I don't mean to be indifferent to, obviously. Mm-hmm. But there's a sense in which we really have to come to terms with the ongoing suffering of people in our lives. Yeah. I have to be okay with the fact that this isn't going away right away. Mm-hmm. And that's hard. And that's where compassion is.

I mean, the literal meaning of compassion is to suffer with, to share the suffering. Mm-hmm. And many times what we want to do is get rid of the suffering. And again, that comes from a good place. That comes from, from mercy. It comes from our desire for their good. Mm-hmm. But if I can't tolerate what you're going through unintentionally, that ends up again invalidating the other person's experience. And it's so much harder to be with them. You can't be with a person Mm-hmm. and be connected to a person if you can't tolerate their experience. Does that make sense? It does. Yeah, it does. Uh, and, and I feel like that there's a, there's, that's an important piece because it's easy to want to go down the street of, well, okay, well, here's the checklist, you know, and okay, once we check these boxes, boom, we're fixed.

And humans just aren't really that way. Exactly. Um, yeah. Yeah. Like that's just, yeah, it's, um, there's a, there's a real sense in which trauma is relational. So, um, relational in this sense, there's a difference between experiencing emotional pain when you're connected to someone Mm-hmm. in the experience and experiencing emotional pain when you're alone.

And many, many, many people have been traumatized. A root issue, I'm not going to say the root issue, but a root issue is that their traumatic experiences happened when they were alone, when they were not connected, or maybe there was someone physically present who was treating them aggressively, but they weren't connected.

And that lack of connection, that being in pain and being alone in the experience, in many ways, that is the trauma. In many ways, that defines the trauma. And so the healing that can come from being with a person in their suffering, Mm-hmm. not trying to fix it, Mm-hmm. not trying to be the answer person, in many ways, that is the healing.

Mm-hmm. That's powerful that, that concept of with, like with someone. I think when, when we had had a call before, uh, before this, when we were kind of talking through like, hey, yeah, what, what do we want to do on, on the podcast? You had mentioned something like this. And I feel like that's pretty relevant actually. Well, you used the word withness, I think. Was that it? Withness. And you had said something like, um, sitting with people through, through this or like being there with, with this sense of with people, um, which is very different than saying, oh, this is a project and here's the checklist and we're going to fix it, you know, with one, two, and three, uh, things.

Uh, ah, there's something beautiful about that, you know? Um, and there's, there's, well, and that's a theme throughout scripture too. Uh, Emmanuel, God with us. Amen. You know, in tabernacle, uh, God tenting with us or, or dwelling down with us, um, et cetera, et cetera. You could trace this all through scripture. Yeah. And then that's how the book of, uh, well, Revelation and the whole Bible really ends with God coming down to be with his people. Um, that concept of with is just really powerful and potent. Um, and knowing and experiencing God is with us in our pain or even in memories of our pain. Mm-hmm. Um, now I do want to just quickly say there is certainly a place for tools.

There's certainly a place for the practical, the nitty gritty, everything, uh, here is not just relational. Mm-hmm. Uh, for sure. There's a whole other side to it, but. Yeah. And I think that's definitely the disclaimer to give too. I mean, you know, we were talking in pretty general terms, every situation is different. Mm-hmm. Uh, trauma is a very multifaceted, very complex subject. Fraught with disclaimers or the need for disclaimers. Of course. Um, but with, um, with what we were just saying, feels like it, uh, transitions nicely for, for another question I had for you. Um, so how can we be gracious and caring for those that are suffering trauma?

So I think doing our own work is helpful for one thing. So not everyone has experienced trauma per se, unless you define it in the broadest sense. But we've all suffered in some way. We've all struggled in some way.

And I think the people who do the best work, the people that are the best friends, the best mentors to the traumatized have a sense of their own pain, their own struggle in life, and have received compassion from others in that, from the Lord, know how to bring it to the Lord, know how to identify and work through their own feelings. I think that really helps. I think that's really good stewardship of, of our own souls and gives us more to offer other people. Um, I think curiosity is so important. So it's so easy to come in with theories and with agendas and, and you need this or you need that. And I think we just need to be curious.

I think we need to ask people, what do you need? What are you struggling with? What would be helpful for you? Um, what is your story? Now, again, it depends on your lane, right? Because there are some people that, you know, depending on your role, maybe they shouldn't be telling you their story. That's for them to decide who they tell their story to. That's, it's deeply personal, but, but depending on your role, you know, asking questions, um, being curious. Um, I think hearing the stories of the traumatized is so helpful. I think that helps us get at a visceral level how much people have suffered and what people go through. Mm-hmm. And, and just being educated on the issue.

So as we look at this whole package, I guess you could say, or this topic, we've explored different avenues and, and things. Let's, let's bring it down to something really practical to round it out and, and end this episode with, again, for those that are listening to this, real practical, what are lists, something that the listeners can do right now to help? Is there places they should go to learn more? Is there, um, you know, simple things, even first steps that they can take, uh, to start being part of that or to, to start helping those around them that, that may have suffered a traumatic experience. Mm-hmm. So you're talking, this is from the helper's perspective.

Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. A listener who's, who's hearing this and they're like, wow, I, you know, I, I, I want to help in some way. Mm-hmm. Um, what's, what's a real practical just first step that they can take? Mm-hmm. So again, not to sound like a broke record, but if, if this fits with your role in their life, um, help them find a trauma therapist.

Um, now that is a difficult topic for a variety of reasons. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say, I agree with you for sure. I was actually just interacting with someone, um, recently and I was encouraging them on that, uh, on that track. And that person was like, oh, I just never thought of that. That's really helpful. Yeah. Like, can you help me with that process? So that worked out. But then sometimes there's, again, there's a stigma around these things and people are like, ooh, I don't, you know, um, but anyways, yeah. So it might be helpful to back up just a little bit and, um, let's talk about the field of people helping and counseling and therapy.

One of the things that could be helpful to know is this is an extremely diverse field. Very diverse. There are coaches, life coaches, there are marriage counselors, there are addiction counselors, there are, and then in addition to all that, there's all these different models. I mean, there's no end of the number of models. It's a very bewildering alphabet soup of, of different theories.

So what am I saying with that? I'm saying that people helping is about specialties, probably more than it used to be. Okay. Now it's certainly true that if you go to a therapist, they're probably going to be prepared to deal with any number of issues. That's, that's certainly true. But I guess what I'm saying is that trauma therapy is a fairly specific, specialized kind of work or, or it can be, that could be helpful context. Um, why do I say it's difficult? So one reason is in spite of what I just said about specialties, if you go online and look at a therapist profile, the chances are it will say that they work with trauma, right?

I mean, most therapists, when they list their qualifications, they're saying, I work with this and this and, you know, they try to make it as inclusive as possible because they want to get more, more clients. So it can be challenging to find someone who is actually a specialist in trauma. Um, I think, um, experience going for an experienced therapist is really good. Mm-hmm. Um, I think networking with people who are somewhat familiar with the field is really good. Knowing someone who knows something about counseling therapy who can make recommendations. Sometimes they're doctors who can make recommendations.

Um, but yeah, it's, it's kind of, yeah, go online and Google trauma therapists. It can be bewildering, you know, to, yeah, how do you find someone like that and how do you find out what their qualifications really are? Mm-hmm. Um, so I, I feel like that's kind of a, I feel like that doesn't give people a lot to work with. Mm-hmm. Um, so how do you find them?

That's an issue, but, but there are really good people out there that do really good work. Mm-hmm. I think part of what I was trying to say earlier about the variety of, of different, um, people helping fields, just because someone is a counselor or a therapist doesn't mean they necessarily know how to work with trauma.

Mm-hmm. They may offer really good things. They may do really good work, but it's not necessarily the same thing. It is a specialized kind of work and just incredible tools have been developed. There are amazing things that have been discovered that can be so helpful.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. This is, wow. Yeah. It's, it's a lot to think about, you know, and, and it can be hard because it's like, especially if you do go through something traumatic, um, sometimes it's just like hard to even recognize that it happened. I know there was, there was something that happened to me, uh, a number of years ago and at the time it didn't even register, but then years later I remember, wow, like that actually, that, that did affect me, you know, and didn't really realize it like for a while. Takes a while for it to sink in or. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like, whoa, like out of left field, you know, four years later, whatever it was, and it's like, where did that, you know, and, um, and so what I'm saying, yeah, it's, it can be, it can be really hard, you know, uh, to like, uh, figure all this stuff out.

So, um, I feel like you gave us some really good stuff. I feel like there's a lot to think about here with what you shared. Um, as we tie this up, is there anything you'd want to end this episode with, something you want to leave the listeners with? So the one thing we haven't really gotten into is from the standpoint of the trauma sufferer, what is helpful for them? And I think that's really a good place to, to land the plane for a bit. Mm-hmm. Um, a lot of things, and obviously it depends on the kind of trauma and the personal history, but one thing I always encourage is do things that are relaxing, calming, soothing, rejuvenating, Mm-hmm, energizing.

Many people who deal with trauma have chronic anxiety. That's one of the Mm-hmm most difficult byproducts of trauma, chronic anxiety or anxiety that suddenly gets triggered by, um, uh, by a trauma trigger. And, um, this doesn't heal the deepest places of the heart, obviously, but it sure can help. So exercise is really good. Deep breathing is really good. Muscle relaxation is really good.

Um, it's amazing the different state of mind a person can get in as their body is being relaxed. Mm-hmm. Um, so that's something that I think is really helpful. Um, it's helpful to know your feelings. It's helpful to name your feelings. Journaling can be a powerful way to do that. Mm-hmm. It's really helpful to know your trauma triggers. Um, so if a person can see it coming ahead of time when this happens or this situation or this person, these things tend to trigger my trauma. Mm-hmm. Um, to really get into that, we'd have to talk more about triggers and what all that means, you know, but, but I think the more people understand their individual trauma profile, the better they tend to do.

Mm-hmm. So, so many people, they're experiencing trauma or the effects of past trauma, but they don't really understand what's happening to them. Uh, and that really makes it so much harder, right? It's got to be confusing, right? Or disorienting. Yeah. Both. Yes. Right. Right. And so it helps so much to understand what's happening. Mm-hmm. Okay. This is my trauma. I'm being triggered. This is a trigger that, that, um, this is one of my triggers.

Um, we talk about fight, flight, freeze, um, fight mode, flight mode, freeze mode. You know, it's helpful to identify that when it happens. Oh, I'm in freeze mode right now. I feel myself shutting down. This is what's happening to me. Instead of it just being this thing that's going on and I don't know what it is and I don't have a name for it. Mm-hmm. Um, so those things can be helpful as well. Yeah. Um, that, that's a start. Obviously, there's a lot more to say Mm-hmm about the healing process.

Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I feel like that's a, a good piece to make sure we leave people with, you know, here are some, you've laid out at least a couple of things, you know, some, some next steps or some things for people to try. Um, well, Michael, I really appreciate you taking the time to share with us today. This is, yeah, this is a difficult topic and I've, I really hope from this conversation, people listening to this, uh, have more awareness for one thing and also, you know, start thinking through, okay, how can, how can I be, um, more gracious, more caring, loving towards those people who've went through something like this or if someone who has went through that, you know, hopefully this has encouraged them as well and, um, and so forth.

So yeah, thank you for coming on and sharing today. Absolutely. Thanks for listening to this episode with Michael Hostetler. If you found this interesting, you should consider checking out our other channel, which is a course taught by Frank Reid about wholeheartedly living, serving others, and experiencing healing. You can find links for that course in the description down below. Thanks again for listening and we'll see you in the next episode.