Hello again! And please don’t apologize for writing. I’m glad you did. It is a blessing to have a place where one can talk openly about things like this, especially when Christian community is hard to find. And I certainly understand what you mean.
I think there is an important distinction to make: God can be very near even when we do not feel very near to God.
Scripture actually gives us many examples of faithful people who experienced precisely this tension. David could say, “Why standest thou afar off, O Jehovah?” (Psalm 10:1), and yet the same David knew, “Thou art near, O Jehovah” (Psalm 119:151). In Psalm 13 he asks, “How long wilt thou forget me, O Jehovah? for ever?”—but he ends the psalm saying, “I will sing unto Jehovah, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.”
Notice what happened: his perception of God’s nearness changed, but God Himself had not changed.
The Psalms are especially helpful here because they teach us that faith does not mean pretending that we always feel spiritually warm, close, joyful, or certain. Faith can sometimes sound like, “God, I cannot feel You very well right now, but I am still going to trust what You have told me about You.”
And what has God told us?
He says, “Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you” (James 4:8).
He says, “I will in no wise leave thee, neither will I in any wise forsake thee” (Hebrews 13:5).
He says, “Jehovah is nigh unto all them that call upon him” (Psalm 145:18).
He says that in Christ we have access to the Father (Ephesians 2:18), and that nothing can separate the faithful Christian from God’s love in Christ (Romans 8:38–39).
So I would be very careful about concluding, “God doesn’t feel close enough, therefore I must not be doing enough.”
Sometimes that conclusion can actually make our relationship with God more anxious rather than more trusting. We can begin measuring our prayers, our Bible reading, our thoughts, our emotions, and even our devotion, constantly asking, “Am I close enough yet?”
But Christianity is not fundamentally an exercise in trying to manufacture a particular spiritual feeling.
We are called to trust God, obey Him, love Him, seek Him, and walk with Him.
And sometimes we do those things while feeling extraordinarily close to Him. Sometimes we do them while feeling almost nothing.
Both experiences can belong to a genuine Christian life.
I would also be cautious about comparing your ordinary Christian life with the way early Christians or Anabaptist writers describe theirs. Those writings often represent the moments they thought worth writing down. You are reading their testimony after it has been selected, remembered, reflected upon, and put into beautiful words. You are then comparing that with your own ordinary Tuesday afternoon.
You don’t know how many times those same people prayed when they felt nothing.
And more importantly, their writings are not the standard by which God asks you to measure your Christianity. Scripture is.
There is a beautiful statement in 1 John:
“We know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our heart before him: because if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things” (1 John 3:19–20).
Sometimes our own heart is not a particularly reliable interpreter of reality.
That doesn’t mean we should ignore conviction when Scripture exposes sin. Quite the opposite—we should listen carefully when God’s Word corrects us. But it does mean that we should not automatically treat every feeling of spiritual distance as evidence that God has actually withdrawn from us. As the psalms demonstrate, that is not the case.
There is another passage that I think may be especially precious to you:
“Whom having not seen ye love; on whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing [because you believe], ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory” (1 Peter 1:8).
Notice those words: “though now ye see him not.”
The Christian life always involves trusting Someone whom we cannot presently see.
And perhaps that is part of what God is teaching us through seasons when His presence doesn’t feel as vivid as we wish it did. We learn to say, not merely, “I trust God because I feel Him,” but, “I trust God because He is trustworthy.”
That is a deeper foundation.
At the same time, I wouldn’t tell you simply to ignore the longing. The desire to experience God more deeply can itself be a beautiful desire. “As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so my soul panteth after thee, O God” (Psalm 42:1). “My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God” (Psalm 42:2).
So keep praying.
Keep reading Scripture—not merely trying to extract a feeling from it, but listening to what God actually says.
Keep thanking Him for ordinary things. We are told “in all things give thanks”.
Keep obeying what you already understand.
Keep talking to Him honestly.
Keep drawing near to the God who has promised His nearness to all those drawing near unto Him.
And seek Christian fellowship whenever you can. Christianity was never designed to be lived entirely alone. “Let us consider one another to provoke unto love and good works; not forsaking our own assembling together” (Hebrews 10:24–25).
But don’t make the mistake of thinking that you must first feel God’s presence before you can walk with Him.
Sometimes walking by faith means walking when the road feels bright.
Sometimes it means walking when the road feels dark.
But in either case, the Shepherd has not ceased to be the Shepherd.
I think one of the loveliest realities in Scripture is this:
“For we walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7).
That includes more than merely not seeing Christ physically. It means that our confidence ultimately rests upon what God has revealed, rather than upon whatever our senses, emotions, or circumstances happen to be telling us at the moment. Just as Joshua and Caleb saw that with the overwhelming power and true presence of God with them, their Canaanite adversaries were not to be feared, whereas their ten counterparts lacked this faith in the invisible God, that He would prove to be their faithful and steadfast Friend.
So, no, I don’t think you’re strange for feeling this way. And I don’t think the answer is necessarily that you need to start doing more and more religious activities until you finally achieve the feeling you are looking for.
Perhaps instead, when you notice that feeling, you can simply turn it into a prayer:
“Father, I don’t feel as close to You as I wish I did. But I know You are here. I know You have not forsaken me. Help me to trust what You have said more than what I happen to feel. Teach me to love You, obey You, and rejoice in You. And if You are pleased to make me more conscious of Your presence, I receive that gratefully. But above everything else, I want You—not merely the feeling of You.”
That, I think, is a very safe place to stand.
And perhaps remember this, too: you don’t have to persuade God to come closer to you. In Christ, God has already acted to bring us near.
“Ye that once were far off are made nigh in the blood of Christ” (Ephesians 2:13).
That’s not a feeling.
That’s a promise.
Jesus says:
“If a man love me, he will keep my word: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.” — John 14:23
And after giving the Great Commission:
“And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” — Matthew 28:20
And concerning prayer:
“If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?” — Luke 11:13
There is something remarkably concrete about those promises.
Jesus does not say, “I will be with you whenever you happen to feel that I am with you.”
He says, “I am with you always.”
He does not say, “The Father may perhaps give His Spirit if you manage to pray well enough.”
He says, “How much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?”
And John 14:23 is especially beautiful because Jesus connects love, obedience, and God’s indwelling presence:
“If a man love me, he will keep my word.”
“My Father will love him.”
“We will come unto him.”
“And make our abode with him.”
That is extraordinarily close language.
I would certainly encourage anyone to rest in these promises. There is nothing wrong with desiring a deeper awareness of God. But the Christian’s confidence cannot ultimately rest upon the felt intensity of God’s presence. It rests upon God’s own word, His own promises, concerning His presence.
If you belong to Christ and are walking in His way, resist making your feelings the judge of God’s promises. Let God’s promises teach your feelings where to stand.
When you feel that God is far away, you can answer your own heart:
“But He said, ‘I am with you always.’”
When you feel spiritually empty:
“But He said the Father gives the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him.”
When you wonder whether God will receive you:
“But He said, ‘We will come unto him, and make our abode with him.’”
And when you cannot feel any of it very strongly, you can still say:
“I believe God.”
That is faith.
I pray that God bless you as you walk with Him in faith.
