Displaying God’s Incredible Wisdom by Becoming One as Husbands and Wives

This is an epiphany from my wedding day. As I thought about for years, I've tried to learn about marriage. Is it possible to have a marriage that's not an institution or a war zone? And I spent a lot of time watching others and learning, reading books, and listening to things. And here I was at 43 years, uh, 42 years, getting ready to step in and dive into this thing of learning to become a husband. We often think of mysteries as something to be solved, to get inside and figure it all out and classify and organize it and say, "Oh, this all works that way." All right, cool. Now we, this is, it's interesting. You want to, want to see how this works, you know, and you can show people, like, it's an intellectual exercise.

But God's mysteries are not riddles to be solved, but wonders to participate in. When we obey His simple commands, we eventually find ourselves in awe being part of a miracle.

Welcome, everybody.

Once upon a time, there was a bachelor named Elias. Now there's bachelors and then there's bachelors. Okay, so I was single for 20 some years of my adult life, but I was just a bachelor. Elias was a bachelor.

He was an ABFL, an avowed bachelor for life. He didn't have five cents for being married. And if Elias got married, everybody else in the world would have to be married first. Like, he was the last person that would ever even think about getting married. Well, one day, Elias was at a wedding and he was sitting with his friends, and the preacher got up to preach, and the preacher was getting into the spirit of the wedding, like preachers do. And he said, "Marriage is a great institution of God."

And Elias leaned over to his buddy and said, "Yeah, but who wants to live in an institution for the rest of your life?"

Well, Elias did get married. I was at his wedding. And just from what I know of, I doubt he's living in an institution today. We've all known marriages that were like that. In our marriage vows, we talk about living together in peace. And some marriages, that's about all that happens. It's just, just everything's okay, but there's not much more than that. And there's marriages that are war zones, where you, every time you turn around, someone's stepping on a landmine. There's a big blow-up. And like, what happened? I don't know, but. And then there's marriages that are gardens. They're places that are beautiful, and they're full of life, and they're relaxing places. They're enriching to be around.

Today, we're going to look at some two very simple principles and commands that God gives us that make the difference between whether our marriage is an institution or a war zone or a garden.

So just so you know, I did not, as a year and a half old married man, choose to preach about marriage, but I've been preaching through the book of Ephesians. And the goal of that is not to preach on the topics that the Apostle Paul talks about, so much as to expound and explain what he is talking about. And so we're at the last part of chapter five. The theme of this section is demonstrating God's incredible wisdom. And this particular time, we're talking about displaying God's incredible wisdom by becoming one as husbands and wives.

And when I started going through the book of Ephesians, I knew that chapter five was coming, and I was single at the time. And I, well, when we get there, we'll get there. So I am thankful that at least I'm married so that y'all don't have to laugh the whole time that I'm preaching.

You might anyways.

So let's read the passage. I'm going to back up just a little bit because context is always important. Again, this is not, Paul's not launching in here just to talk about marriage, but he's talking about working together to demonstrate God's incredible wisdom.

So he finishes up verse 20, saying, "Giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of God or in reverence for God. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church, and he is the Savior of the body.

Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her, that he might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that he might present to her, present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies, for he who loves his wife loves himself.

For no one ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let each of you, in particular, so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Husband.

We often think of mysteries as something to be solved, to get inside and figure it all out and classify and organize it and say, "Oh, this all works that way." All right, cool. Now we, this is, it's interesting. You want to see how this works, you know, and you can show people, like, it's an intellectual exercise. But God's mysteries are not riddles to be solved, but wonders to participate in. When we obey his simple commands, we eventually find ourselves in awe being part of a miracle. I think this happens on multiple levels. There's things that God has created. And if we wait until we understand, we never are able to be part of it. But when we start in and we just simply start doing the things he says, whether we understand it or not, things happen.

We change and we begin to be able to be part of miracles happening.

So Paul begins talking to married couples by talking to the wife. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.

There's one part of my heart that goes out to women when I read this, because as much as I want my wife to submit to me and I like it when she does, it really means a lot. It's like hitting the nitrous button or something like that. For you ladies, that's like, gives the car like another 50 horsepower.

But men can be kind of hard to work with sometimes. And we're imperfect. Being a man is tough because you got to figure out how to handle life and handle it for everybody else. But a woman's got to figure out how to handle life and handle her man's response to life. And learning to adapt is challenging. And yeah, we're imperfect. We make mistakes. We have growth to do. And we're so opposite. As men, we're driven by completely different things.

This week, my coach gave me a workout to do that was extremely brutal. And my wife said, "Why in the world would you do something like that to yourself?" I'm like, "I'm a man." That's what we were built for, is to do hard things and to take hard things and to face challenges. And it's actually, it's good for us. And so you do something hard and you come away and you're staggering after a workout and you're sweating and just shot and you say, "Man, I feel great."

It doesn't make sense. And vice versa. So God bless you all in the challenge of learning to do this. But we were designed for this as women. Women were built to follow and to honor and to submit to their husbands.

A woman that respects and submits is the most beautiful and admirable and attractive thing in the world. And as men, we're beholden to you for that, to you and to God for that gift. It's God's design that men lead and wives submit and follow and support. And we'll, there'll be more on that as we go.

So he gets a little into why. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church, and he is the Savior of the body. So again, this is the way we were designed to work. This is God's design in different areas of life where you have physically, we have a head and a body. And we have the husband that is a head and a body. And we have Christ who is the head and the church is his body.

This teaching is where we get the term headship from. And this is in other places in scripture. For example, 1 Corinthians 11, as well as many places, Jesus talks about it in the Gospels where he describes his relationship with his Father. There's headship there. So there's a lot of misunderstandings about this. So I want to start out with clarifying a few things that headship is not.

Headship is not about importance. It's not that one is more important than the other. After all, which is more important, your head or the rest of your body? Actually, if you don't have a head, it's not a body. It's a corpse.

And vice versa, if a body doesn't have a head, there isn't a body. It's a corpse. So it's not about importance.

It's not about ability. So in generalities, men tend to be this way. Women tend to be this way. And we are built for our roles. But it doesn't mean that a wife couldn't do what's her husband's responsibility or that the husband couldn't do the wife's responsibility.

There's actually a big misunderstanding about this today that because I'm good at a certain thing and I feel a burden for the certain thing, that means God is calling me to do that. So as a woman, if you're good at explaining and teaching and organizing and you really feel a concern for that to happen, then you should become a pastor.

Well, no, that's not true. Just because you have the ability for something doesn't mean that that is your role. Headship is not to favor men. This doesn't give men more rights and privileges. Just wait until we get to the part about husbands.

It's not to silence or oppress women. It actually gives women more respect and consideration. It actually puts her where she has an unrivaled proficiency to shine for the things that she's made for and good at to come out, making a home, nurturing her children and her husband. When I, I'm not saying it's wrong for a woman to drive a machine or work in a construction zone, but when I see, I go through a construction zone, there's some woman with her skin looking like a cooked chicken and holding the sign or whatever. And I think, it's just what a waste. Any guy can do that.

Our world is crying for mothers and wives and people to women to make homes for their families. And men aren't good at that.

And while a woman's, a godly woman's influence is not as public, the rest of the passage, when it talks to husbands, ensures that a woman has a voice. We don't need women's suffrage. Women don't need to vote. If men follow what God teaches them, a woman's voice is very clearly and very well heard and considered.

Headship is about the way we were created. We were designed and we were built to do certain things. It's about roles. It's about that we were designed to do certain things. There are distinct roles. This is what we were made to do. And this is what men were made to do. This is what women were made to do. And it's about that we have a responsibility to fulfill those roles. So we were designed for a particular purpose. There are particular roles that we are to fill because of the way we're designed. And we are responsible to fulfill that part of the purpose of our creation.

And it is about being a picture of Christ's sacrificial love and care for his church and his church's honor and devotion towards him. God has entrusted his reputation to us in so many ways. And we have the responsibility to work together to follow his created order and our responsibility in it so that he is rightly demonstrated and the world understands Christ's love and the church's devotion to him through our marriages.

And so headship is how we fulfill our responsibility. It is how our strengths serve a greater purpose than ourselves. And it's the way we energize the other to do what they ought to do. So the way to get your husband to become more loving is to honor and to respect and to support him. And the way to get your wife to be more respectful and honoring and supportive is to be considerate and to love her.

So he says, "For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the church, and he is the Savior of the body." So again, the head is not more important than the body. Christ is not fulfilled in becoming flesh and dwelling amongst us and suffering and dying. He's not fulfilled unless he has a bride.

Christ is a person who seeks a bride and desires a family and has sought and worked to have someone who comes along beside him and helps him to create a family of people who are like him.

So the important thing is that the church follows Christ so that they become one. And the important thing is that the wife submits to the husband and the husband loves the wife so that they become one.

So the wife's part, therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

So we need to talk about another word that gets a bad rap, and that is subject, or probably more often today we use the term submission.

Thankfully, I think like this has been well taught here. It was in this congregation that I first heard this explained this way, and it completely changed my view of submission. But submission is making it your mission to support another's mission. It's submission. You put your mission under. Sub means under. So it's when I decide to take who I am and what I am and give that to support something that's bigger than myself. And so then submission becomes this. Submission becomes the full realization of your potential power, significance, security, value, and impact by investing your strengths in a complimentary way in something greater than yourself.

Submission is not something that you have to do then. It actually is the way to become greater than yourself and to find meaning and purpose and to have influence is through submission. And this is not just something that wives do.

As men, we're commanded to submit to Christ and to submit to each other. So this is something we all do, but there's particular roles in which we especially need to exercise this.

I've used John Chrysostom quite a bit as a resource for this because he's really the only one of the early Christians or those falling in the tradition of the early Christians that the pre-Nicene church that talks in an expository way about the passage. Many other ones refer to it, but they're talking about a different topic.

So I'm going to be sharing some quotes from him just because they're so good.

He says this, "And yet one may ask, how can there be love where there is fear? I say that in such a case, love exists all the more strongly. For the woman who fears and reveres her husband also loves him. And she who loves him will likewise fear and revere him as her head, while loving him also as a fellow member of the body, since even the head is a member of the body as a whole.

Therefore, he places one," this is talking about the Apostle Paul, "he places one under authority and the other in authority so that peace may prevail. For where authority is equal, peace can never truly exist, either in a household that is run like a democracy or where all seek to rule. There must by necessity be a single guiding authority. This principle applies to every part of the body. Harmony comes when each part fills its role. And when people are spiritual, there will be peace."

Some interesting insights into that, that fear is kind of a bad term because we tend to think of fear as panic and a phobia rather than a reverence and a respect and a careful consideration for something. And that's the sense he's using it here that if a woman truly loves her husband, she will respect him and reverence him and honor him.

And that it's actually an outflow of her love for him. And that it's actually important that one is the leader because you can't both lead. And there's always going to be this thing, "So who's doing this? I thought I was going to, I thought I was running this." Well, no, you're not.

So it's actually God's wisdom that he creates this so that there's a leadership and there's a pattern of direction for things. Next is one about how not to talk to your husband when he has a problem. In this case, a husband who's either lazy or the wife is not feeling like he's supplying adequately. "Let no wife say to her husband, 'You are a weak and cowardly man, lazy, dull, and half asleep. Look at that man. Though born of humble parents, he takes risks, sails on voyages, and has made a fine fortune. His wife wears jewels, rides about in style behind her white mules, goes wherever she pleases, and is surrounded by servants in attendance. But you, you have shrunk back and lived to no purpose.

Let no wife speak such words or anything like them. For she is the body, not the head. Her part is not to command, but to honor and submit. But how, someone may ask, can she endure poverty? Where can she find comfort? Let her look to those who are poorer still. Let her remember how many noble and well-born women have not only received nothing from their husbands, but have even given their own dowries to them, spending all they had for their sake, for their husband's sake.

Let her reflect also on the dangers that come with wealth, and she will learn to value a peaceful and quiet life. If she truly loves her husband, she will never speak in such a way. Rather, she will prefer to have him near her, though he gains nothing, than to see him earn 10,000 talents of gold at the cost of long separations and the constant worry that comes with distant journeys."

I thought that was some good insight.

But criticizing your husband and fussing and whining at him is never a constructive thing. It doesn't work. And there are tactful ways to support and encourage that actually help your voice to be heard more often. I think this is probably one of the bigger ways that women can tear down their husbands is just by whining and nagging about things. And hopefully, most of us don't know very much about that.

So next in the passage, he says, "Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. The woman's gift of sensitivity and nurturing bless the home and community when they're used to support the leadership of the husband. And this is what makes you as women powerful. You are incredibly powerful." Brother Jason preached a message about that some time ago. And there's few things that can cripple a man or empower a man more than a woman who is supportive and believes in him and encourages him.

My wife does very well with this.

A couple of weeks ago, we were flying back from just a little example of this. We were flying back from my brother-in-law's wedding out in Nebraska, and we're getting ready to get on the plane. I have this problem on planes. It's a little hard to sit just anywhere because my lower appendages stick into the seat in front of me, and two hours with my knees buried in the seat in front of me is a little tough. So we're trying to find a place, and I kind of was trying to communicate or trying to learn that to let her know what I'm thinking when we're getting on the plane. And she just said, "Well, I'll just follow you wherever you go."

And like, boy, something just, it just felt so good. And yeah, those things are, even if it's in little ways like that, that's the desire of a man's heart. There's a reason, pardon me for the reference, but there's a reason that Josh Turner's song, "Will You Go With Me," hit the top of the charts.

The song asks, "Would you go with me?" talking to his girl that he admires. And it talks about riding on the clouds and going down streets of fire. And would it be okay if I didn't know the way? And the chorus says, "If I gave you my hand, would you take it and make me the happiest man in the world? If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, would you accompany me to the end of the sea and help me tie up the ends of a dream? I got to know, would you go with me?"

And so, ladies, as you fulfill that and you communicate to your husbands, yes, I will go with you. I'll be there. I'll support you. Together, you're a tremendously powerful influence in our lives.

Proverbs 14:1 says, "Wise women build houses, but those without discernment destroy them with their hands." This doesn't just apply to women, but this is such an easy thing to do, to want something, but then by the things that we do, actually destroy the very thing that we want. And so let's be careful about that. This applies to both sides, but I remember one of my sisters has done very well with what she's been handed in life saying this to me. She realized that by trying to protect her children and get her husband to pay attention and just different things like that, she realized she was doing this. She was destroying what she wanted by the very things that she was doing.

And when she decided to let go of that and start trusting her husband and blessing him and encouraging him and praying about the things instead, their home just changed tremendously. So God bless you all in that. He says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord."

It's not that we husbands always deserve this, but it's out of honor to Christ that we want to obey these things. And so if you struggle to do it because your husband deserves it, do it out of honor to Christ because you want to be a good picture of his church's love for him and to honor his order and his design that he built because you want to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

And when you do this, you're joining a legacy of women who have done this, gone through the hard work of choosing to submit and honor and respect and have been part of changing the world literally and bringing the Savior because of it. Peter says, "For in this manner," this is talking about dressing modestly and not trying to draw attention and be the prominent one. "For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror." I'm sure it was scary sometimes, but by choosing to do this, you join the ranks of people like Mrs.

Noah. We don't know her name, but she definitely changed history. Sarah, Abraham's wife. Jacobed, Moses' mother. Ruth, Hannah. Mrs. Samuel. We don't know her name either, but he had to have had a good wife. Abigail, if you want to be inspired by a lady, there's no wonder David married her. It was like it was a no-brainer when you run across a woman like that who, with an awful husband, in a very prudent and kind and unobtrusive way, helped to fix a problem that he created. Some words from John Chrysostom again. "For the health of our marriages, for from the health of our marriages come both great evils and great blessings to families and to entire nations.

Nothing binds human life together so strongly as the love between husband and wife. When he says, 'Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord,' it is for good reason. For when husband and wife live in harmony, the children are well raised, the household runs smoothly, and even friends, neighbors, friends, and relatives share in the sweetness of their peace. But when it is otherwise, everything is overturned and thrown into confusion.

Just as in an army, when the generals are united, all things are in order, but when they are divided, chaos follows. So it is in a household. Therefore, he says, 'Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.'" Marriage isn't just for married people. It's all of us are blessed by marriages. We were all the result of a marriage, most likely, at least a couple coming together.

And we all live in communities that the anchor of communities is marriages. My wife and I, through our single years, were blessed so many times by marriages and families that we spent a lot of time with and were enriched by, for my wife, the stability of the father in the home and for myself, the kindness and care of a woman. Many of you sitting here filled that place in my life. So you have a tremendous power to bless and influence when you submit and honor and respect.

So moving on, husbands, love your wives. The main responsibility goes to the husbands for the direction and the health of the relationship. And our focus, the most important thing that we can do is to love. And that's something that is learned.

Some more words from John Chrysostom on why Paul spends so much time focusing on the husbands and on what it means to love when he doesn't spend a ton of time enumerating about how the wife is to respect.

Notice that scripture explains the principle of love in detail, but not that of fear or respect. And see how much more he emphasizes love, drawing arguments both from Christ's example and from our own nature, the body, as one flesh, saying, "For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother." But when it comes to fear, he does not dwell long on it. Why is that? Because he would rather see love prevail, for when love is present, all else naturally follows.

But when fear alone exists, the same cannot be said. For a man who loves his wife, even if she is not entirely obedient, will still bear patiently with her. True harmony is nearly impossible where people are not united by that love which rests on proper order and authority. Fear alone cannot achieve this. Therefore, he emphasizes love as the stronger bond.

And though it may seem that the wife is at a disadvantage being told to fear or respect, she is actually the gainer because the greater duty, that of love, is laid upon the husband. So God spends the time talking to husbands, and husbands are told to love because we're the leaders. And it's our choice whether love is what drives and motivates our family or whether it's fear and respect out of that.

So when we love, we energize our wife's respect and honor. It's not a hard thing. It's still choices that she has to make. But when we neglect our wives or just choose to be selfish and are unloving, we make that very difficult. And so if there's peace in our household, it's because the wife is choosing to step carefully around us. And so again, as husbands, we have the responsibility whether our home is driven by fear or by love, by whether or not we are putting the energy into learning how to and loving and caring for our wife.

So he gives us a gauge here to know what love is like and how we're doing. He says, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her." So our model is Christ's love. And God goes beyond that and gives us another thing to help us to gauge whether we have an idea of what love is. And he says that Christ's love caused him to give himself or to sacrifice himself for his church. And so love is defined by sacrifice. It's how much we give up, not how much we get.

When our relationships start out, often a man is pursuing a woman. A lot of it's because of what he's getting. It makes him feel good. It's something he desires.

But then it can be a challenge as the relationship grows and as it becomes daily in marriage. And you start facing things where you're not getting anything, and it takes sacrifice and takes giving to neglect it and to even become calloused and begrudging and things like that. The sacrifice is not a loss. It's an investment. When we sacrifice to God and we offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, we don't lose anything. We give up something because there's something greater. There's more important. There's the kingdom that we're to inherit. There's the love of God, the favor of God that is what we really want.

And so we give up other things for them because they're worthless in comparison. So sacrifice, when we sacrifice for our wives, we're not giving up something. We don't get a martyr idea like, "Yeah, well, you know what I just didn't do? I didn't do this. I didn't do that. And I could have done this, but I didn't all this because I'm trying to love you."

That's childish, and that doesn't cut it. That's not what pleases God or cares for our wives. So it's an investment. It's when we decide, "My wife and my family and honoring God's design is more important than this. And so I'm going to give it up. I'm going to do it cheerfully."

I'm not saying all this because I've got it all down. I have a tremendous amount to learn about this, but this is the truth. And I'm so thankful I've been taught, at least in the last few years of my life, to follow those simple commandments and not excuse them because, "Well, there's this bigger issue. Well, what about this?" That we start with those little commandments. And when we do those things, miracles generally do happen. And that's how we grow and we experience God's grace and all those kinds of things. And so I'm excited to share this because I believe this is true and this is what is going to help our marriage to be able to be something that's a blessing to us and others.

So this is a standard that I hold myself to and it guides me when things happen and I realize, "This is the problem. This is what you've got to do about it."

Sacrifice is not a loss, but an investment. And so we compare ourselves to Christ and his love for his church, and we endeavor to model that. "Christ gave himself for the church that he might sanctify and cleanse her by the washing of water by the word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish."

So a woman, a wife is something that is made. You find a woman who has good character, but a wife, someone who fits you, is something that is made. And as husbands, it's our responsibility to shape our wife into something that complements us by treating her with love and consideration and sacrifice. That's how Christ did. And if we ever think that we have it tough with our wife, let us just be inspired by the wife that Christ chose and the wife that Christ bought and sanctified that made her into something beautiful and wonderful. He didn't start with someone who had a few flaws. He started with people who hated him and chose to turn their back on him repeatedly and continued to work with us until we repented.

And the best picture I think we can get of that is Hosea in the Old Testament, the patience that God has had with his bride. This is about people who never did turn around. But Hosea was told to go marry this woman who was a prostitute, and he cared for her and loved her, but she chose to just keep going off and selling herself to other men. So that in order to have some time with his wife, Hosea has to go and wait in line with other men who are paying and pay a fee to spend time with his wife. That's the picture of the love and the dedication that Christ has had. So let's be encouraged and think our load's small when we do face challenges learning to love our wives.

When we think of what Christ has done to make a glorious church, let's be encouraged by that. And also put the hard work in out of honor to him for doing that for us. You'll never have it as hard as Christ.

"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it." So Paul doesn't say she's part of your spirit or part of your soul.

He says she's part of your body. And later on there, he uses some Hebrew poetry. He says, "Part of your body, your flesh and your bones. Your bones are the deepest part of you. And when your bones hurt, you can't massage it or put some ointment on or something like that. It's in there and it just wracks your whole being."

So our wives are a very living, breathing, feeling part of us. And so as men, when we care for our wives, we're really doing ourselves a favor. And when we don't care for our wives, we're shooting ourselves in the foot besides reproaching Christ.

So if you want a good wife, nourish and cherish her. Cherishing is a word we could spend a lot of time on. I don't want to, but sometimes I think it's good to think about that. Do I actually cherish her?

The picture that comes to my mind is the miser. And if you ever read Silas Marder, there's a picture of him there. He's counting his gold coins at night by the light of the candle and just gleeing over how they flicker. And that's a wonderful story because that was stolen from him. And later he learned to love and cherish a little girl that he adopted and raised.

But that same kind of thing, it's something that you have to focus on. You have to put intentionality into and spend time with what God has blessed us with in our wives and to nourish.

As men, we shouldn't be enjoying things that are causing a great difficulty for our wives. I think there's something bad wrong. Sometimes in our occupation, it's hard balancing work. We can't just stay at home and have an eternal honeymoon. We have to work. Whether you're working at home, you have to be outside the house and away from your wife. But when we think about our occupations, there's a young man recently who was telling me about some of his achievements and stuff. And he said something about he's living his dream. And sometimes I want to ask him the question, "Do you think your wife is living her dream?"

Husbandry. This is an AI attempt at a picture of all different areas of husbandry. Husbandry comes from the old English word husband, which could be a verb which meant to care for and manage a homestead. And that's where our term, we say, "I'm a husband." That's where it comes from, is this idea of to care for and manage a homestead. And when you're taking care, whether it's a garden or whether it's animals, the picture that comes to my mind, we had animals growing up. And I lived in an agricultural community for quite a while, and I milked cows for people sometimes when they were away. And so you take care of all the animals, and as you're getting ready to leave and you shut everything down, it starts getting quiet.

And there's that feeling when it's just quiet and you just hear munching and a little tinkling of this and that. Nothing's cackling or bawling, or everything's quiet, and it's got what it needs and is taken care of. And that's as husbands. We go to a plant we're looking for, and it's just the leaves are looking good, or maybe they're not looking good. And we think, "What can we do? What can we give this plant so that it flourishes? And it's brilliant green, and it's bearing fruit, and it's flowering."

Proverbs says that the man who—or Psalms says the man who fears the Lord, his wife is going to be a fruitful vine by the side of his house because he takes care of her, and he's always looking to see, "What can I do? How can I treat her in a way that makes her flourish?" That's when we say, "I'm a husband." That's what we're saying. That's our job.

"For no one ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it just as the Lord does the church." Your wife is part of your body. You care for your wife. You care for yourself when you care for your wife. When you neglect your wife or worse trample or scorch her, you do it to yourself.

Our measurement for our success is the way Christ nourishes and cherishes his church.

"For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." We could talk a lot about the leaving and cleaving thing, but the highlight I want to get here is the purpose of marriage is to learn to become one flesh. And this doesn't mean a man becomes less manly or a woman becomes less feminine. It's actually more so as we learn to specialize in our manliness or our femininity and use that to work together to complement the other.

And that is our goal, is to learn to become one voice. We're different, but what we want to do and the way we work together is almost as if there was one person doing it.

This is true unity. True unity is not sameness. I think about on the coins, on the US seal, there's the words "E pluribus unum." And I don't know Latin like Lowell does, but I know that that means out of the many, one. That's the vision for America. But that's true unity is when we're different and yet we work together as one. And that's the goal of marriage. That's why wives should respect and honor, and husbands should love and cherish.

I'm going to go to some more wisdom from John Chrysostom. "What if my wife does not respect me?" "But what?" one might ask. "If my wife does not show me reverence?" "Never mind that. You are still to love her. Fulfill your own duty. Even if others do not do what is required of them, we must still do what is right ourselves." For example, Scripture says, "Submit yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ." And what if another does not submit? Still, you must obey the law of God. The same applies here. Let the wife, even if she is not loved, still show respect so that no fault may be found with her. And let the husband, even if his wife does not show him respect, still love her so that he may not fail in his own duty, for each has been given their own charge.

Here's a little piece. It's too long to put on there about lovingly addressing a problem with your wife. And this particular one is when the wife is the husband feels like they should live a simpler life than the wife, and the wife would like more extravagance.

A little for the wife first. "Let no wife say to her husband, 'You are a weak and cowardly man, lazy, dull, and half asleep.'" "Look at that man, though born of humble parents. He takes risks, sails on voyages, and has made a fine fortune. His wife wears her jewels and rides about in style behind her white mules." I read this part before. "Goes wherever she pleases and is surrounded by servants in attendance. But you, you have shrunk back and lived to no purpose. Let no wife speak such words or anything like them, for she is the body, not the head. Her part is not to command, but to honor and submit. At the same time, let not the husband, because he holds authority, respond to such words in anger, insults, or violence.

Let him instead reason with her, correct her gently, and persuade her with understanding as one who is less mature. Let him never lift his hand against her. Far be such a thing from a noble spirit. Nor let him resort to mocking, reproach, or harsh words.

Rather, let him guide and steady her as one who is still learning wisdom. How should you speak to her? Speak with care and tenderness. You might say, 'I have taken you, my dear, to be my partner in life, to share with me the closest and most honorable bonds in my children and in the care of my home. And now, what guidance should I offer you?' But first, speak to her of your love. Nothing persuades a person to sincerely hear and accept advice more than knowing it comes from genuine affection.

How do you show that affection? Say, for example, 'Though I could have chosen many women with greater wealth or noble birth, I chose you instead, drawn to your beautiful life, your modesty, your gentleness, and the steadfastness of your love for God.'

From there, gradually lead into a discussion of true wisdom, carefully addressing the subject of wealth. Do not attack riches outright. That would be too harsh. Instead, take a gentle approach, using your admiration of her life and character as the starting point. This way, your words will feel like reasoned guidance, not harsh or critical lecture. You might continue, 'I could have married a wealthy woman, but I could not bring myself to do so. Not without reason, but because I have learned that money is not a true possession. It is worthless, often held by thieves, harlots, and grave robbers. I set aside such things and saw instead the excellence of your soul, which I value above all gold.

A young lady like you, who is discreet, sincere, and devoted to piety, is worth more than the whole world. For these reasons, I courted you. I love you, and I value you more than my own life. Our time here is short and fleeting, and I pray that we may live this life in a way that will allow us, in the life to come, to be united forever in perfect joy. I value your affection above all else. Nothing is more bitter to me than being at odds with you. Even if I were to lose everything, suffer extreme hardship, or endure any pain, it would be bearable so long as your love remains true.

My children will be dear to me, but their value is greatest while your love remains with me. And you, too, must fulfill your duties. Let us follow the teaching of the apostles, who tells us that God desires our hearts to be united. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. Let us leave no room for petty jealousy. Let wealth, servants, and outward display fade in importance. For to me, your love and companionship are worth far more than anything else.